Hannah - Episode 6
Hey Bachelor Nation,
After a truly heinous episode last week, we were due for a good episode, and I really think this one delivered. But just going to warn you - if you were tired of the Luke P drama, you might as well quit reading because its never going to end.
Garrett’s 1-on-1: Taking the plunge
We head back to Riga, Latvia where the men are sitting around Man Chatting. Luke tells them all HE was very frustrated last week at the rose ceremony because he had a lot of stuff he wanted to Hannah about. Excuse me? You were frustrated? That’s rich. My angel Tyler C calmly lets Luke know that that’s how they are all feeling about him. Does he internalize or think about that at all? No of course not. He has no emotions or empathy.
Garrett’s name is on the date card, and he meets Hannah in some random ugly woods that look like a spot where you could dump some bodies and they would never be found.
“Welcome to Latvia! So beautiful”
They end up at a river, when all of a sudden a couple bungee jumps naked out of a cable car. Hannah is confused - she asks “does that help in some way?” I have to ask - In what way would being naked help you bungee jump Hannah? Reduce drag from clothing? Make you more buoyant if the cable broke? They claim this is some sort of Latvian tradition. I did some googling - it appears that in 2014 some couples did this on Valentine’s day. If doing something once with 8 people makes it a national tradition then playing connect flip with White Claws is now an American tradition (Shouts to the Feldmans! Still recovering).
Hannah and Garrett complete the task, getting some more great screen time for the Bachelor Black Box - which I think may have gotten more screen time than some of the remaining men (looking at you Dylan and Dustin). I had a lot of questions though. Even if they were wearing underwear (which Hannah confirmed they were), wearing that harness on bare skin has got to cause so much chafing. Imagine the rug burn. Also Hannah gets naked but leaves her earrings on, which looks vv painful for her earlobes.
ABA - Always Be Accessorizing
After the jump, they sit by the river in robes and make out. I tried to tell if Garrett’s kissing technique improved but the camera conveniently cut away enough to not know if he was still going at her like a woodpecker.
In the evening portion, they talk about hurdles they have overcome. Turns out Garrett’s “sob story” is that he thought he was born to play football and realized he hated it, so then he found golf. Some people criticized his lack of depth, but I can sympathize with Garrett - I’ve also basically only had 1% problems in my life so not sure what I would “reveal” either.
Garrett then declares “I’m falling in love for you”, which even after all my Bachelor season is a new one, and gets the rose. They then head outside and dance awkwardly to some random Latvian man playing a cello. At least he had his clothes on.
Group date: this is turning into a Tyler C appreciation blog
Garrett heads back to the house, and recounts the date as every man has done before him. When he tells them about the naked bungee jumping (from here on out referred to as the NBJ) Luke starts to really freak out. He doesn’t think that’s appropriate for someone he might marry some day. Vomit.
What I was really concerned with though were Luke’s eyebrows. Something happened to them. And I think my Bachelor co-conspirator Tyler B (from now on OG Tyler) has the answer:
They are like caterpillars. I can’t.
For the date, they wander around exploring Riga, and genuinely seem to be having a lot of fun. 2 notable things happen. First, Tyler brings Hannah flowers and its just the most adorable thing ever. (TBH though he could do just about anything and I would find it super adorable) Second, This happens:
The jokes write themselves
Later, while they are on the bus, Hannah tells the guys about the NBJ. This is very important to note for later in the episode. Luke is not pleased. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her and thinks that was crossing the line. But of course he’s not going to leave it there. He says “her body is her temple, and to expose it to anyone who isn’t her husband, that was a slap in my face”. Um Luke? You can kindly:
Excuse my French
Also this:
After Hannah straddles some more men in the evening (girl LOVES to straddle men, get it sis), Luke gets his chance to be annoying. He first tells the other guys that he was uncomfortable with the way things went down - with a real psycho looking face
Tyler C - my forever prince and potentially one true love of my life - jumps in and tells Luke he respects Hannah for going for it, and wants her to live her life to the fullest and take in the whole experience. And I’m like:
Too far? Sorry not sorry
Luke then talks to Hannah about it - he does so many things here I have to break it down:
Compares what she did to cheating
Repeats the body is a temple comment
Tells her he’s worried about her meeting his family because of it
Classifies the NBJ as a “bone headed mistake” and “something wrong” - but don’t worry he thinks he can get past it and support her
Hannah doesn’t really seem to know how to react in the moment and doesn’t yell in his face like I would have done to someone being so controlling and slut shamey. Surprising Luke and only Luke, Tyler gets the group date rose and nothing has made me happier.
Peter’s 1-on-1: Things get steamy
For Peter’s date they go to some Latvian version of a spa. Hannah seems confused by the strange Latvian man and woman and everything that’s going on
I accidentally paused on this and just thought it was so funny
All of a sudden the Latvian woman starts singing and I could barely contain myself. Hannah and Peter were also struggling to keep it together. They go through several rituals before they are left alone for a very steamy sauna makeout - obviously with some straddling
In the evening, Peter reminds us, in case you forgot, that he’s a pilot and he has lives in his hands every day. He also says he’s been very closed off since his last relationship ended. CLASSIC Bachelor trauma. I kind of tuned out, but all of a sudden he was speaking in Spanish and I was very confused, and then attracted. Some people (cough OG Tyler) didn’t quite get it
They’re cute together, Peter gets the rose, and then they watch fireworks, where he slips in that he is falling for her. All around solid date.
Meanwhile - back at the hotel
Peter gets back from his date, and Jed immediately pops up, grabs his jacket and guitar, and goes to serenade Hannah with his new tune “Mr. Right” outside her window (I checked, it hasn’t hit Spotify yet in case you were wondering). Luckily Hannah seems very into Jed, or this would have veered from Dobler to Dahmer really quickly. General consensus was Jed is not that good of a musician - probably why he needed to come on this show for a platform. Despite our objective assessment, Hannah was into it. It reminded me of how into listening to my middle school crush play Radio by Alkaline Trio in his basement I was. (Shout out to Matija Krstic. Hope you’re doing well - I’ll always love you!)
Ya we all want someone who looks at us like this - like the sun shines out of our a**
There’s then more straddling makeouts, because its the theme of this season. Watching this was really weird knowing what’s come out about Jed. For those not in the know - apparently Jed had a girlfriend when he came on the show, told her they would be together after, and then ghosted her. I’m going to wait to see how far he goes before I make any judgements, but it’s not a super great look.
STAY IN YOUR LANE
Back in the man room, it has come to Garrett’s attention that Luke was talking about the NBJ with Hannah. He doesn’t think that was staying in his lane. And then the whole lane / road metaphor really takes off. Luke says that he was in his lane driving but was just looking over to see Garrett and Hannah. The men rightfully point out that this is how you crash a car. TBH it was all really hard to follow. Luke tries to get Garrett to promise Luke he won’t talk about this to Hannah tomorrow - which is super rich considering all of his broken promises about the same thing. Garrett rightfully refuses to promise, and Luke goes crazy and kicks Garrett out. Garrett leaves with the coldest “Sweet Dreams Luke” - it sent a full chill up my spine.
The next day, Hannah comes to grab Luke to chat. She had time to think about their conversation about the NBJ and it bothered her (as it should have). She tells him that the conversation hurt her and that he has no right to tell her what to do with her body. Luke then puts on an absolute CLINIC in gaslighting. It was truly astounding. At one point he tries to tell her he’s happy their relationship is back on track and she has to yell that it’s not. It was infuriating to watch. She asks “Why is it so hard with us?” And we’re all back here yelling - “Because he’s the worst!!! He’s a literal psycho and this relationship is never going to work out”. But alas Hannah is not listening to me.
Somehow, Hannah doesn’t throw him out and he heads back to the men. They all sit around and talk about how to drive cars and stay in your lane. I did an official count the word “lane” was used 19 times in the period of ~8 minutes. Luke comes back and blames the whole situation on Garrett for talking about the NBJ, which is comical because Hannah also told them all about it. He gets irate and yells, pointing at all the guys “You, You”, except he pauses when he gets to Mike and just says “you, keep doing you bro”. He rightfully realized Mike wasn’t going to put up with his shit. It was hysterical.
Tyler then comes in to educated Luke about slut shaming and double standards. He tells Luke that its hypocritical that he can parade around in a Speedo puffing his chest but Hannah can’t bungee jump topless in his mind. And once again, I was like:
Tyler is the male feminist advocate we need in these times. I love him so much.
Right when the yelling hit is peak, Chris Harrison comes in to tell the guys there will be no cocktail party. And all I’m thinking is:
Luke immediately tries to say its not his fault, but no one is buying it.
At the rose ceremony, Dylan and Dustin are sent home, surprising no one. And Luke lives another week. Honestly how she can still like him at all at this point is completely mystifying.
Next week, they head to Amsterdam and it looks like Luke will stir up more shit. What else is new!
Texts from my mom
Becky was very upset that she didn’t get this section last week. So we’re back! She still doesn’t get Jed. She also apparently almost walked out in the middle of the show. Not into the drama.
Also one from OG Tyler, just for good measure:
See you next week Bachelor nation, and may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor,
Audrey
