Hannah - Episode 7
Hey hey hey Bachelor nation,
This episode in any season is usually one of my least favorites. You’re down to the point where there’s 2-3 dudes hanging on who have absolutely no shot at winning, who the lead may have barely spoken to, who still have to act like they want to bring this random man or woman home to their families. It makes for a lot of awkward moments and not a lot of drama. This week was honestly no different. ABC already spoiled for us that Luke would be hanging around at least a little longer, making the stupid fight that ran through this episode even more pointless. Lucky for y’all your girl here doesn’t need a good episode to have plenty to make fun of. Let’s get to it.
Jed’s 1-on-1: The Ballad of Guitar Guy
The boys and Hannah head to the Netherlands (Vaarwel to the Dutch women’s soccer team - you put up a good fight but our American ladies are BEASTS). Hannah shows up and informs the men that Jed is getting the first 1-on-1. This whole date was weird to watch given what we know about the other girl in his life, but props to Garrett for asking as they walked away “He didn’t bring his guitar did he?”. Apparently they all recognize the power of Guitar Guy
They basically just explore the city - I’m still not buying their chemistry fully but apparently Hannah is, and I guess that’s what matters. Nothing really interesting happens except Jed does a very impressive heel click
Mad props. Good height (excuse my chrome tabs)
And they danced to a street performer which OG Tyler informed me was an organ grinder - prompting this quote: “ Don’t see a lot of organ grinders these days. Really a dying profession. He’s out there on that organ grind.” (Groan away)
They also get to experience one of the tried and true Bachelor tropes - Conversation with the Old Married Couple Who Were Definitely Not Planted There and Just Happen to Be Sitting There to Talk to the Bachelor/ette. During this conversation we find out that Jed doesn’t know the difference between English and American. He also doesn’t understand time - when asked how long they had been together he said: “Long enough to know things”. Wonder how long he had been together with the girl he was dating before - “Long enough to pretend I love you, go on a dating show and then ghost you after”? #toosoon?
In the evening, Hannah is wearing another “definitely made for women to think is cool and not for guys” red power suit, which I happened to love. Hannah word vomits a bit about how she has been holding back because of the other relationships. Jed says he’s willing to hear about things he doesn’t like to help her and make it easier on her (which actually makes me really like him, dammit). Apparently Hannah was also impressed with the heel click, because she says that was the moment she realized she was falling in love with him.
This was big - I don’t know that I’ve seen another lead confess that unprompted to a contestant this early in the season. Biggggg come from behind Jed. This will be interesting to see how it all plays out. Jed obviously gets the rose.
My Prince Tyler’s 1-on-1: Weekly Tyler appreciation section
For Tyler’s date, they are going to explore The Hague. I didn’t realize Luke’s annoyance had risen to the level of war crimes yet but I guess in Bachelorland…
Hannah tells Tyler that they are going to be riding horses around the city. Tyler is trying to keep it together but you can tell he is really freaked out (why does this make me like him more? I have a problem). Although the horses don’t do anything crazy, Hannah and Tyler - who clearly have no idea what they are doing - are seemingly left with no guidance. Let me tell you, itt doesn’t go well. They can’t get their horses to move at all in the direction they want. It was amusing to watch. They try pickled herring (which looks pretty gross) - and Tyler almost pukes it up. TBH, he still looked amazing even about to puke
I’d still kiss him - sorry not sorry
They sit on a bench and Hannah really pushes Tyler to open up. I thought he was doing a pretty good job, but apparently not enough for Hannah. In the evening though Tyler really gets emotional. He tells Hannah about his family - his dad was self made and they grew up well off, but in the financial crash (so when Tyler was ~15) he lost everything - they lost the house and his parents couldn’t make it through and got a divorce. (I’m going to be honest, seeing Tyler about to cry made me cry. Cry real tears. And I teared up again re-watching it for this recap. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it but I’m sure y’all are not shocked). Hannah then confesses that while her parents are still together - she knows they don’t communicate well and wants something different for her own marriage, which I thought was really perceptive and vulnerable.
Tyler gets the rose, and I get to see him for at least one more week!
Meanwhile, back at the hotel..
The next date card arrives and it goes to Mike. This sends Connor S into a bit of a tailspin. He got ½ a 1-on-1 a million weeks ago and needs more time with Hannah before hometowns. He goes to see her in her hotel, and I assumed he was going to send himself home (likely basically everyone in Colton’s season). However he makes a tactical error and tries to force her hand. He says he’s “feeling those feelings of falling in love” Which prompt this reaction from Hannah:
Not the face you’re looking for when you first tell someone you’re falling in love
Hannah (a la Nick Viall) uses this declaration to put the dagger in - she lets him know other relationships are stronger at this point, and Connor is sent home. I hear Connor will be on BiP though, and I think he will probably be just fine.
Mike’s 1-on-1: Art is Beauty. Art is Pain
Mike is the 3rd 1-on-1 of the episode. He goes in what seems like genuinely excited and ready to take Hannah home to meet his family. The date starts off well enough. They bike to a studio where a woman comes out and declares “I’m the artist”...
“Well that was obvious...What would really be surprising is if she came out and was like ‘I’m the accountant’” - OG Tyler
They first take turns drawing each other. Now, Hannah and Mike may both be many things, but artistically talented is not one of them. Just look at these drawings:
Now I get having to like your kid’s artwork because you know...they’re your child. But your adult boyfriend / girlfriend? No thanks. I felt like they really drew their inspiration from the esteemed artist of the Mobile, AL leprechaun #wherethegoldat
Hannah and Mike then strip down to their underthings and wrap themselves in some silky fabric for the artist to pain them. (Wonder where Luke stands on his wife being an artist’s model - methinks he wouldn’t be pleased). Afterwards, Mike confesses he can see Hannah as his wife. Hannah’s reaction is a little better than with Connor, but not by much
These guys would really be less blindsided if they could just read a face
In the evening portion of the date, Hannah stands admiring the artwork (including Vermeer’s Girl with a Pearl Earring), and by the time Mike comes in she is in full on tears. First she says she is not used to being surrounded by this much beauty (Big diss to all the girls she used to do pageants with for years!) and the art really got to her. All I have to say is - thank the lord one of her dates wasn’t at the Rijksmuseum or she may have had a full on panic attack and had to have been institutionalized.
Mike can tell something is wrong right away, and Hannah lets him know that as much as she likes and respects him, she isn’t going to be his 4th queen (vomit). But genuinely you can tell how sad Hannah is that she has to hurt Mike and how much she cares about him. Mike takes it like a champ - and something tells me he will be just fine coming out of this (Perhaps as the Bachelor?!?)
Another meanwhile back at the hotel…
Luke starts a-chattering about how happy he would be to see Mike’s suitcase gone and how all the other guys are in his way. Now, while he does have a fairly valid point, he says it in just such an annoying way and with such a punchable face that at this point I think the guys would get pissed if he was reading the dictionary in their presence.
This irks Tyler - he says “The worst thing about this is we have a villain. And usually the villain is some big, tall guy...we have a 5’8” villain”. Luke; “Does that make you feel better?” Tyler: “Ya I just wanted to throw that out there” LOL. Now, I’m not a fan of short shaming, but I just hate Luke so much that this was hilarious to me.
Tyler points out that if none of the guys in the house like Luke, maybe he’s the problem. Luke tries to defend himself by calling out how he’s cool with all the other guys and that Tyler is the problem. The other guys are not on board with this. Garrett tells Luke he was responding to him to be polite, and really didn’t want to be shooting the shit with him.
Peter finally asks Luke if there are going to be any issues tomorrow, he says he’s good. Jed tells him to keep his head out of his ass and stay in his lane - it’s all very mature….and obvious foreshadowing of what’s going down tomorrow.
Luke/Peter/Garrett’s group date: Maybe the most immature fight since Nikki & Clare’s “Did you pay for it / Did you sleep here?”
On the date, Luke steals Hannah first. They sit down, and Hannah literally asks him one question, and I quote: “How has this week been”. Luke immediately storms into…”I hate talking about the other guys but…” commence 5 minutes of him recounting his biased version of everything the guys said to him. He claims he has done NOTHING. Which Hannah rightly responds with “You don’t think you’ve done anything?” The whole thing was infuriating to watch, and he honestly really just grossed me out. Like look at this face when he’s trying to be cute / romantic with her:
How could anyone read that as hot instead of “this guy is going to murder me and wear my skin as a cape?”
Hannah then sits down with Garrett and of course brings up what Luke said. Apparently she didn’t want him to be polite (aka “fake”) and expects him to just be a huge dick to him - as if she wasn’t fake and nice to Caelynn through their whole season.
Garrett comes back PISSED, as he should be, but chooses to channel this into a permanent smirk and just constantly goading Luke. Luke once again lies and says he was just answering Hannah’s question about specific guys - which we know is bullshit - see above. Honestly this whole fight was so stupid I really didn’t want to have to watch it again. Deli meats are thrown, Luke gets up and aggressive in Garrett’s face in a way that indicates he might definitely get in a fight someday. Garrett came off like a dick but Luke came off like more of a psycho. I’m done. At least Luke will be by himself next week.
We at least got this great shot out of it though:
Thanks Mike Fleiss
Luke tries to get sympathy from Peter, but he’s barking up the wrong tree - Peter is also disgusted by him, but shows it much more calmly and just walks away, leaving Luke looking (but least be real probably not feeling) like an idiot.
Peter then actually has a nice time with Hannah, and gets the first rose. Leaving Garrett and Luke to continue onto the evening. The other guys are so excited to see Peter come home, it’s adorable. They clearly all actually really like each other - #bromance. I mean look at Tyler with his own version of the Bachelor trademarked Run and Jump
Who did it better?
In the evening, Luke tells Hannah his finding god in the shower story (including all the women he slept with - methinks this will make him look like a hypocrite later). And then Garrett tells Hannah he loves her. Apparently Shower Jesus trumps Human “Love” and Luke gets the rose. Ugh. Luckily they already spoiled he doesn’t win.
I have a lot of thoughts about why Luke P is still around, and I’ll share them next week after we see his hometown.
Also in the spoiler land, we got to see more of Hannah and Luke’s blowout - including confirmation that she did it in a windmill. This is turning into the fence jump - I just can’t wait until we get to this episode!!
Texts from my mom:
This week, Becky doesn’t like Hannah’s sartorial choices, and really tries to get into the minds of the producers
Until next week Bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor,
Audrey
