Hannah - Hometowns
Hey Bachelor Nation!
We’ve had a string of very boring hometown episodes in recent seasons, so boy was it a relief that this one brought plenty of intrigue. I have a lot of thoughts, so without further ado…
Peter’s hometown
We start the episode in Peter’s hometown of Westlake Village, CA - though there’s no way this was actually filmed first. They certainly didn’t fly from Amsterdam to LA, then to the Southeast and then back to LA for the rose ceremony, but I digress
Peter takes Hannah for a ride in his Mercedes sports car - which he refers to as “my baby”. And I’m like:
Nope nope nope nope nope
Look I’m proud of Peter. He’s worked really hard to afford that very nice car, but being that into your car is very That don't impress me much and its a big turn-off.
Hannah starts digging around in Peter’s console and pulls a condom out of an old Altoid tin. Peter pretends to be really embarrassed, but I feel like this face is saying “well at least she knows I’m safe and not a loser”
Peter takes Hannah to an airstrip, where they get in a very tiny airplane. There are so many things wrong with this experience:
1) I like heights and I like to fly, but generally I prefer my planes to be bigger than a car….
Peters 2 children
2) What is up with the way this door locks? This really doesn’t seem up to FAA standards to me - it’s like he’s locking a 1987 Volvo station wagon. Once again, no thank you.
3) Peter MULTIPLE times fully removes his hands and eyes from the plane he is flying. Now I’m not an aeronautical engineer, but i feel like that old plane might not have autopilot. They gave Luke so much shit for saying he was over looking at Jed and Hannah while driving - KEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR PLANE LANE Peter
Look Ma, no hands
But generally this was an awesome date activity and Peter is adorable.
They then go meet Peter’s family, who are just the sweetest, most adorable, and most supportive people. They speak German and Spanish and do cute chant prayers at meal time. I kind of want them to adopt me (sorry Becks!). But the bestest moment was Peter’s dad’s tears when talking to his son. I got super emotional - I can’t handle dad tears. (Not to blow up his spot, but Steve Ballard, man of infinite sarcasm, is a known crier in emotional moments). Also Peter’s dad has an epic mustache.
STAWP IT
At the end of the night, Peter chickens out and doesn’t drop the “love” bomb, but Hannah gives him a quick butt tap, so all seems well.
Tyler’s Hometown
For Tyler’s hometown, they head to Jupiter, Florida - illustrious site of both Bob Kraft’s happy ending massage and Tiger Woods’ 2017 DUI
Will forever haunt your nightmares - but I will say Tiger’s Masters win was an all time great sports highlight for me
Not going to lie - I watched this whole date with a massive smile on my face. I tried to document it but a photo just couldn’t capture the pure joy. They go on a boat - and Hannah gets to put sunscreen all over Tyler. I was vv jealous. They drive around and Tyler shows Hannah the house he grew up in (the one they lost). It’s sweet. They also go “jam” with a reggae band, and Hannah commits what OG Tyler coined “TWGD” - tragic white girl dancing.
They go meet Tyler’s family - its pretty emotional. Tyler hasn’t seen his dad since he left for the show, and at that time his dad was just on the other side of recovering from being in a coma. Tyler tears up just seeing his dad, and later when they chat, and I was full-on blubbering
Hannah seems very concerned that Tyler might not be ready to be engaged (probably rightfully so), but his whole family does a great job of selling how much he stepped up and became a real adult they could rely on when their dad got sick. (Aka stopped taking as much advantage of all the girls who definitely throw themselves at him). I already loved him before this date, now it’s bordering on unhealthy levels.
Tyler then sneaks into the car and makes out with Hannah for a while. Seemed a little rude...
I’d ruin my Uber Rating for Tyler C in a heartbeat
Luke’s Hometown
Ugh all I thought when going to recap this was - Do I have to???
For Luke’s activity, they head to Sunday School to meet all of Luke’s church friends. Luke tells the shower story AGAIN, which makes the 3rd time we have heard it on this show. I can’t imagine it was the first time he had told it to his sunday school peeps, which may explain these looks on their faces:
Please Jesus take us up to heaven so we don’t have to hear this story again
Luke’s church friends all sing his praises - but only when he’s sitting right there. Really seemed more like a hostage situation to me. “Blink twice if Luke threatened your family to make sure you said nice things about him”
They they go meet Luke’s family. Honestly this whole date was super confusing. I feel like on most of these hometowns, even if you don’t like the person, seeing their family gives you a clue into who they are and can really humanize them. Not so with Luke’s date. It honestly felt like he was performing for his family the same way he performs for Hannah.
Hannah doesn’t hold back, she basically tells Luke’s family that their road has been super rocky - to the point where his whole family are asking “why the H-E-double hockey sticks [I assume they don’t curse] did you keep him?”
His family defends him whole-heartedly, if unconvincingly. And I was left wondering what they must be thinking watching this season back. Luke, for his part literally says “I can’t see a way this doesn’t work out” directly to his dad, just fully proving his narcissism. He also says he was trying to hard to be perfect. This made me think - if this was Luke being on his best behavior and trying to be perfect, I shudder to think what his worst behavior would be.
Also deep cut, but Luke’s dad reminded me so much of the crazy religious cult leader in an episode of Law and Order: SVU, and now I can’t unsee it.
Where all my Elliot and Olivia fans at? Holler!
At the end of the date Hannah says, and I quote: “We had a good day. All day. That’s like, a big deal”. Now, I know relationships aren’t all sunshine and roses and there will be ups and downs, but I feel like if you are actually 2 weeks away from getting engaged to someone, you shouldn’t be surprised when you have ONE good day. I mean girl, wake up.
Jed’s hometown
Guys. This hometown was willlld. Now, if nothing had come out about Jed’s former relationship it might have just seemed like another slightly over protective family. But this, the subtext was crazy. But I’m ahead of myself.
Upon first getting to Knoxville, Jed takes Hannah to a recording studio to go write and record a song about their love, because of course he does. It’s not a hit, but it’s actually not terrible (though Hannah’s voice IS terrible). I’m generally coming around on Jed being not a horrible musician. He also takes this opportunity to drop the “I love you” bomb, which definitely puts him ahead of the pack.
When they show up to meet the fam, Jed comes in Love Guns a-blazing. His family seems very confused. I don’t know if they met the girl he was dating before, but they certainly seem to have known about her. They certainly don’t seem prepared for him to come in and say he’s about ready to marry a different girl. They obviously can’t say any of this out loud, so instead they couch it all in “What about your career Jed?” As if being an aspiring musician and dating / marrying the Bachelorette are so incompatible - if anything it would be a huge boost for his career. Several data points to back me up:
Exhibit 1- they sit down and Jed’s mom gives a savage toast: “Here’s to everyone trusting their intuition and their gut everyday. When you stick to your truth its beneficial to everybody” - could she BE warning Hannah any more?
Exhibit 2 - Jed’s mom’s face when Hannah says she’s told Jed she’s falling in love with him:
Exhibit 3: Hannah says “I know he dated a girl for a long time…” Jed’s mom’s response: “I mean...he lived his life” [AKA was taking a girl last time we talked to him]
Exhibit 4: Jed’s mom straight up tells Hannah she doesn’t think he’s ready to be engaged
Exhibit 5: Hannah tries to get some reassurance from Jed’s sister. It goes over like a lead balloon - She tells Hannah she’s not sure Jed falling in love with her is a good thing
Unrelated exhibit: Jed’s mom says “he’s had to have other jobs” - she doesn’t mention that the most recent one was as a Bachelorette party stripper
By the end of the date, it really felt like someone had died. That was the overarching mood in the house. Hannah was clearly shaken up, and Jed doesn’t help by saying “It was such a beautiful day, everything just worked out”. Like, you can’t will that into existence Jedward. It decidedly did not work out.
Rose Ceremony: A Truly Unprecedented Move
At the rose ceremony, Hannah is acting genuinely confused about this decision. She tells Chris Harrison - “How do you compare apples to oranges to kiwi to cantaloupe?”. I really felt like running with this fruit analogy. Peter is definitely an apple - sweet, delicious, and very wholesome. Jed is a pear - because his head is upside down pear shaped. It just is. Tyler is not a fruit. Tyler is something way more delicious. Tyler is like if a chocolate molten lava cake didn’t have any calories - perfection. Luke is a honeydew. What a sad pathetic excuse for a fruit honeydew is. Get that shit out of my fruit salad. Stupid filler fruit.
Hannah first gives roses to Peter and Tyler, and then freaks out and begins just SHREDDING the last rose. She leaves to talk to Chris Harrison - leaving the remaining guys to stand in this incredibly hilarious formation:
They could honestly not get farther away from Luke and be on the same planet
Eventually they both come back, with Chris saying “Hannah, here’s the roses you asked for”, with a completely straight face (Chris Harrison is an excellent actor). Yup - she’s taking them all to fantasy suites! Now, I don’t believe for a second this all went down right now. She definitely had cleared all of this with the producers ahead of time. There’s no way they didn’t see the foreshadowed Luke conversation coming. But this was truly unprecedented. I honestly think that at this point in any other season the lead knows who they are picking, or at the very least the top 2. There are 2 explanations for this - 1) Hannah is really that confused - mostly by Luke or 2) She’s just THAT horny and wanted to sneak in another fantasy suite. I personally prefer option 2.
Next week - we know Hannah is getting down with at least one of the dudes, and that Luke is going to be an asshole. Its the moment we’ve all been waiting for!
Bringing back an old segment - Audrey rates the run, jump, and straddle
Now, the run and jump and straddle is a staple of the Bachelor franchise. I’m not sure I have ever seen someone do it in real life, but it’s a rite of passage on this show. I’m bringing back my personal rating system for Hannah’s hometown run, jump and straddles.
Last place: Peter. Peter’s loss is not really his fault. The camera people did not get a clean shot of the action, so I was forced to dock him down
4th place: Jed. This was just a little clunky. Not enough side to side action, and he didn’t seem fully prepared for it
3rd place: Luke. Luke’s wasn’t terrible, especially for how short he is. I would have liked less hesitation, and he just can’t achieve the height - but there was a good spin and sustained lift
2nd place: Tyler. Tyler’s was very solid. Good lateral motion, excellent height, sustained lift and a good spin. A+ all around
1st place: Jed’s dad. Wow. This was impressive. I would say Jed’s dad has conservatively 30 pounds on Jed, but this was an athletic performance for the ages
Grand Prize World Champion: TUX!!!! I mean look at that good good boy. He’s the goodest. I love him
Texts from my mom
Becky was on an airplane this week, so no texts, but in case you were wondering, she’s been officially converted to #TeamTyler
Until next week Bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor
Audrey
