Hannah - Fantasy Suites — Bachelor Betch

WOWWWW Bachelor nation,

Apologies for the delay - but this might have been the best episode in the history of this franchise, and I really wanted to do it justice. Plus I usually don’t recap Men Tell All so wanted to include the beginning portion of Luke’s return (hopefully you can accept that excuse and not the actual one which is my horrible Sunday hangover).

Watching Hannah wake up to what we’ve been yelling at our screens about Luke all season was so cathartic. I loved every minute of it. And watching it again honestly felt even better. I’m still on a high.

Peter’s date: From Pilot Pete to Windmill Pete

Hannah and the boyz head to Greece, and Peter gets the first date. They have a very classic Bachelor yacht date, where they basically just make out a lot, including in some very precarious positions, and with random crew looking on

This is an overboard incident waiting to happen

Don’t mind me - just trying to, you know, sail the boat

In the evening, Peter is clearly very nervous about dropping the L bomb. He takes a few cracks at leading into it, before finally bringing it back to flying - his main, and potentially only interest other than his Mercedes - before he’s able to finally get it out. Then the flood gates really opened and he said it about 25 more times.

The fantasy suite date card is pulled out, and Hannah and Peter do choose to forgo their individual rooms and head to…..A WINDMILL! That’s right, Peter is the windmill man - man of 2 sex times. Way to go Peter.

This windmill was CRAMPED though. I am a very claustrophobic person, and I get very hot when I sleep - so this set up really seemed like a nightmare. Look how close the walls are to the bed! What’s romantic about feeling like you are in a tomb?

In the morning, there are super not-subtle shots of birds and bees, and the classic shot of their clothes all over the ground.

In case you were wondering - Hannah didn’t sleep in her shoes and shiny pink dress

Hannah says Peter is Zeus and she is Aphrodite - a bit weird considering Aphrodite is Zeus’s daughter, but ok, we can’t all be Greek mythology experts. And then she does this super not subtle dance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o

Peter also uses the exact phrase “We came together, like so much last night” - which, although that’s clearly not what he meant, is very graphic for ABC to keep in the final cut.

Tyler’s date: Perhaps Hannah’s most questionable decision making yet

Guys. This date. It was very NSFW and I felt a little uncomfortable watching with other people.

They go to a spa, which results in Tyler giving Hannah a massage, and eventually a very steamy makeout. I’m blushing just writing about it. I can’t go into too much detail.

In the evening though is where Hannah makes the decision that I will never understand. She tells Tyler that she knows they have a great physical connection, but wants to make sure their emotional connection is up to snuff. Because of that - she says she’s not going to sleep with him in the fantasy suite. WHAAAT. Girl - have you seen him? How do you have that much willpower?

Tyler kept it cool - his face showed no reaction whatsoever

Was this just an excuse to have a screenshot of Tyler’s face? You betcha

Is this just another completely unrelated picture to remind you how much of a mistake Hannah made? Obviously

Tyler then dropped the following quote: “The fantasy suites, it has the connotation of sex. For me, it’s way more than that. I just want to be with you. You have to really love and respect and honor each other’s boundaries. I would never press you or pressure you at all. I want you to be 100% comfortable and confident in whatever we do together. I look at the man I am today and its not the same kid I was 9 weeks ago.” Then he tells Hannah “I do love you”.

Seriously - Tyler Cameron, prince among men

They spend the night on a boat, and in the morning Hannah is in tears as Tyler walks away (girl I can relate). There was some debate at the group watch about why this was (aka did it mean she was sending him home or not). I honestly believe (and Hannah basically confirmed to ET) that she had walls up with him for a long time because he was so attractive she didn’t trust him. I think she’s slowly taking them down but it could be too little too late.

All I have to say to Hannah is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NjNL4Nsa4Q

Do it for all of us.

Jed’s date: Still kind of the Luke show

Jed shows up to his date still butt hurt about the fact that he was in the last 2 with Luke at the rose ceremony. For their date, they go hang out with a random Greek family - definitely not awkward at all. This greek man and his wife / daughter make it infinitely more awkward by first talking about Greek viagra, asking Hannah if she has decided to marry Jed, and when she says no, asking her how she is going to decide. Then the greek woman says with the right man you will know it from the first look - which I’m sure wasn’t at all a mindf**k for Hannah given what she’s said about Luke.

This gets Jed worked up enough to pull Hannah aside and basically asks her for clarity on what the hell she’s still doing with Luke. Hannah takes a long pause (I know it was long because I filmed it to make this gif) to think about what she wants to say

Hannah basically just says that she had an immediate connection with him and she’s still trying to figure it out. This is when Jed drops a serious truth bomb. He tells her “If you’re this close to being with somebody forever, if you’re this close to finding your husband - then what makes you hold on to something so uncertain?”

When he says what you’ve all been thinking

Hannah says “a feeling” - which clearly is not a good enough excuse for Jed, but he eats it for now...until we get into the evening portion of the date. The topic of their conversation comes up again and Hannah asks “are we good”. Jed takes this opportunity to say nope we sure aren’t “good”. He drops another truth bomb about her keeping Luke, saying: “It makes me worried that you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you in your life”. Preach, Jed. Preach.

I would almost love him if I didn’t know about the secret girlfriend

Hannah gets visibly frustrated - and has to walk away to cool down. Clearly Hannah is very into Jed though, because after all of this - she calms down and it clearly doesn’t change her feelings toward him…..and of course they forgo their individual rooms.

In the morning - Jed tells us they didn’t sleep a wink - which was at least more elegant and coy than the way Peter put it, I’ll give him that.

Luke’s Date: The moment we have all been waiting for

I think I’m decent at this whole recapping thing - but I don’t think anything I could write could do this scene justice...won’t stop me from trying though

For their date - Luke shows up excitement level on 11 - I mean look at that stupid grin and walk

They take a helicopter to Santorini and its all fine - but we really weren’t interested in the day part of the date were we? The one thing I will call out is that Hannah says “I feel like he’s at his best with me, when no one else sees that”. Um Hannah? Girl that’s what women in an abusive relationship say. Luckily at this point we know she has looked back and learned, god bless her.

It doesn’t take Luke long into the evening portion of the date to bring up the topic of sex. He first says “There’s so many things I want for myself in my future wife. And I want it the way I want it” (FIRST RED FLAG). Hannah’s face immediately begins to fall.

You can find full transcripts of the conversation on the internet - but essentially he tells her he is confident she is on the same page as him about saving herself for marriage, and he doesn’t believe she should be sexually intimate in the fantasy suites and he just wants to “make sure” she’s not going to sleep with any of the guys - or he will remove himself from the process. But don’t worry, he trusts she will do exactly what he wants *eye roll*

Hannah starts off calmly - telling him she doesn’t agree with a lot of things she says. Luke tries to cut her off and then she really gets some steam and GOES OFF. It was truly incredible. Luke tries to gaslight and slut shame her again and she fully doesn’t let him. My personal favorite moments from Hannah’s badass take down:

When she tells him that he’s wrong for acting like he is perfect for not committing the “sin” of sex and when he sins all the time in so many other ways - and she goes ahead and lists them
When she quotes the bible back at him (twice!)
When she realizes he hasn’t shown her respect, but also tells him he hasn’t been showing himself respect
This exact moment when you can see all the wheels click into place in her head

Hannah finally tells Luke she has clarity, she does not want him to be her husband and asks to walk him out. In classic fashion, he refuses to get up. He tells her she owes him a chance to say his piece, and this is when Hannah really goes Next Level Beast Mode.

Luke tells her he is refusing to get in the limo. Hannah retorts by telling him she thinks she knows how she can get him to leave. This is when she drops what will likely go down in history as the greatest quote in the history of the franchise: “I have had sex. And Jesus still loves me...from obviously how you feel, me f**king in a windmill, you probably want to leave”

Luke reacts not at all like a crazy person….

...and he eventually gets in the limo, but not before he asks Hannah: “Can I pray over you before I leave”. WHAAATTTTT. ARE YOU INSANE!! Can you pray over her? What world are you living in?!?

And Hannah flips him the bird as he drives away. It was amazing.

While there are many more thorough and insightful analyses out there of Luke’s horrible behavior - I thought I would add my two cents - because I have a captive audience and I really value my own opinion

Luke is entitled to his own views on relationships and faith. And he is even entitled to want to end the relationship with Hannah if she doesn’t share his beliefs. If Luke had laid out his views in a respectful way and he and Hannah didn’t agree and thus he walked away - that would have been fine. That is not what he did. Instead he did all of the following things:

Tried to guilt and manipulate Hannah into doing what he wanted
Made it all about him by literally not regarding her feelings at all
Gaslit Hannah by denying what he had literally just said
Refused to respect her “no” and her desire to end the relationship
Literally tells her “I don’t care if you say you have clarity. I still feel like you don’t”
Weaponized his faith to make Hannah feel like a bad person and bad Christian

I could go on and on. The man is a total narcissist and has no ability to internalize any feedback or anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, or wishes. While I won’t go much into the Men Tell All - he basically showed no remorse, no growth. He even said he would have changed NOTHING. He even tried to frickin gaslight Chris Harrison! He is just the worst person, maybe ever.

Luke returns…

To round out the Luke saga we got the last bit at the beginning of the Men Tell All this week.

The remaining three men show up to the rose ceremony and are waiting on Luke - clearly with no idea what has gone down over the past few days. Hannah tells us how happy she is never to have to see Luke again - Surprise! Cut to Luke in a van - making a Colton/Blair Witch Project-style selfie video where he tells us that despite what Hannah said about wanting to be done - he still has feelings for her, so it’s not over for HIM yet. Gag me.

The best part of this moment was the picture-in-picture cut aways to the live studio audience reactions:

Luke pulls up and just gets in line with the other guys - as if he just plays along Hannah won’t notice he’s not supposed to be there and may accidentally give him a rose.

Hannah walks up and Luke immediately goes to talk to her. She’s having none of it. She asks him repeatedly (like at least 7 times to leave), and he just stares at her, refusing to move. He tries to say it’s about HIS heart and HE needs clarity, as per usual. Hannah is fed up. She calls him a narcissist, and in an even more epic move, just picks up the podium and moves it in front of him so he’s not in the picture anymore.

When they realize what is really going on, the other guys, and eventually Chris Harrison step in to get in the middle and defend Hannah. Luke says “I know for a fact you still have feelings for me”. Hannah shuts this down immediately. She tells him - There is not one part of me that has regrets. Luke eventually leaves….Thank goodness.

The other boys are so giddy - it’s adorable. I mean - one of them is still about to get their heart broken - but for now they can rejoice in Luke’s demise.

Also thank goodness this recap was over. It was a monster. I hope you appreciated this episode as much as I did.

I have no energy for any other Men Tell All thoughts - it’s all encapsulated in my thoughts above.

Next week we have a 2 night finale. I hear the Jed situation will be addressed - and it looks like it will be electric.

Texts from my mom

This week Becky and I debate fantasy suite order, she calls out some Luke bullshit, we find out what size pants Tyler should wear, and she calls it quits half way through MTA - but not before we find out she and Chris Harrison are on nickname terms

Love you all Bachelor nation - and may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor,

Audrey

Hi.

Jul 22 Hannah - Fantasy Suites

WOWWWW Bachelor nation,

Peter’s date: From Pilot Pete to Windmill Pete