Hannah - Episode 4
What is UP Bachelor Nation,
Apologies that this is late - I tried to get it out but actually didn’t have any solid Wifi in northern Scotland. I also wanted to have more GIFs, photos, and hot takes but I just didn’t have time or internet bandwidth while on vacay. I’ll do better next time.
Boyo boyo, was this a wild week. Somehow everything happened and nothing happened all at the same time. But yo girl did do some digging deep in the internet this week to backup my opinions, because I’m nothing if not thorough.
This was week 4, and you know what that means - TRAVEL TIME!!! Chris Harrison shows up to tell the gentlemen they will be heading to…..NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND!!!
JPJ can’t stand his excitement
Now, I’ve been to Newport and it’s absolutely beautiful. Shouts to Ellen and Joe - OG recap followers -who got married there last summer! It was amazing! However, I think even Ellen and Joe would agree that mid-March is maybe not the BEST time to show off Newport. They head to Gurney’s resort (which I’ve heard of because of all the basic betch instagrams from the Montauk location). Based on my google image searching it looks quite nice - surrounded by water. But this is the shot that ABC gave them….
I’d be asking for the fees for the comped hotel rooms back
Jed’s 1-on-1: Hannah’s alternative facts
To make matters worse for Newport, for the first date Jed and Hannah are leaving Newport and heading to Boston. Hannah starts off this journey to Boston with some….interesting commentary about the Boston Tea Party. I mean it wasn’t this bad, but like, someone clearly wasn’t paying attention in 6th grade social studies. They wander around the city, and Hannah reveals her talent for “making up facts about America”. This took on a much darker tone in 2019 than I think it would have several years ago.
They head to the Cheers bar, which is packed - leading to the worst sound design ever - I couldn’t hear what they talked about - I assume it wasn’t interesting. Hannah then surprises Jed with a trip to the Celtics practice facility. Where NBA stars players Jaylen Brown and Terry Rozier are there to greet them. They suit up in custom Celtics jerseys which is funny for a number of reasons:
They clearly didn’t get clearance to show Nike or GE - so they clumsily taped over it
Hannah could very easily worn a #7 Jaylen brown jersey but instead they went with a #11 Kyrie Irving “Hannah” jersey. I don’t know enough about the NBA to have thought of this, but my friends at the Ringer tell me its very symbolic
They play some basketball (aka flirt), and then in the most confusing “love doctor” move I’ve ever seen on this show, Hannah sits down with Jaylen to get his relationship advice. Honey, if I were you I wouldn’t be taking advice from a 22 year old NBA player who made $5 million last year and probably has hoes in every area code. But maybe that’s just me. His advice isn’t bad though - he tells her to look for someone who makes her laugh, who she can be herself with, who respects her and who is there for the rough times and good times and accepts her for her flaws and her beauty. I take it all back - Is Jaylen Brown wise?!?
However it’s in the evening portion of the date that things really get interesting. They sit down to fake dinner and Jed reveals to Hannah that he initially came on the show for the...DUN DUN DUN….WRONG REASONS. *A gasp falls over the crowd*. Yes Jed reveals that when he was initially contacted about the show his initial thought was “This would be a great platform for my music”. But now, being here with Hannah, he’s actually developed real feelings for her. Now, I realize there was maybe a mixed reaction on this but I personally thought it was great (and sincere). Every single person who came on this show did it (at least in part) for the “wrong reasons” - if not for the platform, just for the fun of doing something different. If Jed actually wasn’t feeling Hannah, he would have had no benefit to revealing this. Now, he staves off the inevitable questioning of why he actually came on and can fall back on the fact that he’s always been “real” with Hannah. Brilliant gamesmanship - bravo Jedidiah. Clearly someone has been reading my strategy manual.
Hannah has some questions - but she handles it well and seems to like Jed - despite the fact that I find him incredibly boring (if sweet), and he gets the rose
Group date: The battle of the Lukes begins
For the group date the men head to what appears to be an empty coliseum where they find out they will be playing rugby. As the large rugby men recount in gruesome detail how violent rugby is, most of the guys look skeptical at best, while Luke P looks like he’s ready to make some people bleed
Normal reactions:
Luke P’s reaction:
The game is going ok, until Kevin completely dislocates his shoulder and is sent off in an ambulance (which the show teased for ever as if it was from another dude - but I don’t react to that fake news anymore). Shortly after, Luke P straight up BODY SLAMS Luke S into the cold hard ground. Now, there is some controversy about what really went down later in the night, but I rewound the tapes, and its pretty clear to me
I know very little about rugby. I used to go to watch our club team in college but that was mostly just because I liked seeing the guys in their short shorts. But I’m pretty sure that even if a guy was running at you like Luke P claims (dubious at best given the above shot) - you aren’t allowed to literally just pick someone up and WWE Smash them. Luke P offers a half hearted gaslighting apology where he claims it was self-defense, but Luke S is having none of it.
In the night portion, Hannah shows up wearing a shiny silver pantsuit that I guarantee most girls thought was awesome while most guys were confused and put off. She immediately grabs Luke P and he starts spewing some bulls***. Honestly watching it back just made me mad again. I can’t even write it down here because it was all lies. She confronts Luke S, who is clearly screwed because Hannah only seems to believe Luke P for some unknown reason at this point. Guy after guy reiterates that Luke P sucks but Hannah doesn’t seem to hear it at this point. Its so painful to watch. Does he have some sort of magic that I can’t see or understand? I mean look at this photo I found:
Does that look like husband material?
Are you trying to hitch your wagon to a guy who has this title as his job on Linkedin?
Nothing has ever been less attractive to me.
(Also sorry I’m literally the world’s best stalker. I’m available for hire)
Garrett gets the group date rose for confessing he’s crushing on Hannah and “being vulnerable”. He got the rose despite this truly atrocious kissing technique
Tyler’s 1-on-1: Brb starting a full on fan club
Everyone, I hate to break it to you but I think I may quit doing actual recaps and just turn this into a Tyler C appreciation blog. I don’t know what it is about him. I love him so much. And I know most of you do too because the amount of texts I got about him was truly astounding. I thought he was dumb? Well turns out he was on the debate team at Wake Forest - what?!? My heart can’t take it. Anyway, I guess I should actually get into the date, although nothing particularly notable happened other than all of America developing a new obsession
Tyler shows up and Hannah is really upset from the night before - like having a full breakdown. Girl can seriously not compartmentalize at all. But Tyler swoops in and comforts her while letting her know he wants to be there for her in good times and in bad (that was one of Love Guru Jaylen Brown’s key traits!)
They go out on a lobster boat and they both look super cute in their waders and actually seem to have a nice time. Although I really don’t think Hannah appreciates him as much as she should. Does she not know what a treasure she has on her hands!
In the evening portion of the date, Hannah confesses that she initially thought Tyler was a player and was confused as to why he was there (don’t worry, we all were thinking the same thing). But then he tells a very sad / sweet story about his dad being very sick and how it was him who convinced him to come on the show. While I still don’t think fully appreciates the gem that is Tyler C, he gets the rose.
And then they get to go see JAKE OWEN. I was freaking out. Because potentially the only guy more attractive than Tyler C is Jake Owen. The man is just a hunk. A+ date. A+. Jake basically just watches Hannah and Tyler make out. He’s captivated too
Actual candid photo of me re-watching the Tyler date and freaking out
Cocktail party: The Battle of the Lukes continues
The cocktail party starts off sweet - Peter asks Hannah to be his girlfriend and its super super cute. She’s clearly very into him. But it sours quickly with the Luke drama. Luke P finds himself caught in many lies when he tells Hannah something completely different than what he just said both on camera and in front of all the other dudes. Mike tries to take him down and calls Luke P a psychopath. God bless the producer who gave Luke their phone to google the definition of psychopath so he could claim it was “the exact opposite” of him. Well, I beg to differ sir
Hannah asks to talk to both the Lukes, and we are left with a cliffhanger - until next week when the Bachelorette joins me in Scotland.
Until next week Bachelor nation - may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor
-Audrey
