Hannah - Episode 5
Well Bachelor Nation,
If you thought last week was the end of the Luke P drama - this must be your first season - welcome to the Bachelorette, its nice to have you. This week I have a nice surprise for you. While I’ve been to quite a few of the places this show has filmed before, this is the first time I actually watched the episode IN the place they filmed. Yes, I was in Inverness, Scotland staying literally 200 yards from most of Mike and Hannah’s date. Don’t worry, I’ve got the pics to prove it - and you best believe you’re going to see all of them! Lets get on with it.
Rose Ceremony
Before the men get to head across the pond, we pick up where we left off in the Battle of the Lukes. Hannah asks them both to come sit and very specifically to talk to each other, and not to her. She thinks this will get to the bottom of the drama. This was an interesting move, one that clearly didn’t pay off, as Hannah sat there like this the entire time:
Girl, you asked for this. You did this to yourself
The Lukes spew some mumbo jumbo for a few minutes with Luke P contorting himself into a million more lies, before Hannah just gets up and walks out. Chris Harrison - trying to up his utilization - comes in to tell the guys that the cocktail party is now over. I didn’t think the guys could look more like they wanted to murder Luke P until later in the episode when they hit new heights of hatred previously unseen on this show.
But just before the rose ceremony starts, Luke S asks to pull Hannah aside to talk. She lets out the most exasperated “Uh….ya sure” I’ve ever heard and agrees. In an interesting turn of events, Luke S decides to send himself home, apologizing and telling Hannah to keep her eyes open and be wary. Whether or not he was actually going to get a rose, Chris comes in and pulls one away to really make the guys even more pissed off at Luke P. The ceremony continues on, with Luke P obviously getting the last rose. Heading home are Matteo - who never spoke a word but has 1 million biological children, and John Paul Jones - “RIP to a legend” - Caroline Ballard. JPJ had a Justin Bieber level turn around in public opinion from the first episode. He went from serial level creepy to my favorite meme. I’m assuming we will see him in paradise, and I for one cannot wait.
Other live commentary from my mother during this rose ceremony:
When Devin got a rose: “I’ve never seen Devin before is he new?”
When Matteo was shown: “Who’s that guy”
When Grant got a rose: “Awww the old guy got one!”
On Jed: “Jed doesn’t do anything for me. He has a weird shaped head”
Before they head out though, Now the One and Only Luke decides to give a toast - “to the gentlemen, but mostly for Hannah” where he describes this not as a “journey”, but as “The Hunt” - which is disturbing on a variety of levels. Hannah is not your prey, you are not hunting her. You are not trying to mount her head above your mantle (thought I wouldn’t put it past Luke P). To say it didn’t go over well would be an understatement. Reactions from the crowd
And Mike finally can’t contain himself and erupts into laughter
Mike (and Audrey’s) 1-on-1: The one where I re-created the whole date
The boys (and Audrey) head to the Hootananny in Inverness to have some drinks, and yell at Luke for lying to their faces again.
Hannah shows up to whisk Mike away for a day exploring the local culture of Inverness. They head to a bookshop, where Hannah smells a book and listens to an egg (Don’t ask me, it’s what happened)
They eat some super sour candy, and an old English man convinces them to eat Haggis, which they enjoy before they find out what it is (side note: I like Haggis, even after I found out what it was). They taste some whiskey and Hannah gets white girl wasted. It’s generally a very cute date and they seem to be enjoying each other’s company.
I tried to get a family member to re-create this exact shot with me but they all refused
In the evening, Mike, Hannah, (and I) headed to a pub. Mike is super nervous, which is cute, but it’s unclear why. Eventually it seems like he just has a hard time opening up, and he confesses that he likes Hannah? Idk the conclusion wasn’t clear, but Hannah gives Mike the rose.
I wasn’t lying when I said I re-created the whole date
Group date: Let me see your bagpipes
Meanwhile, back at the castle the group date card arrives. One by one the names are read until it’s revealed Luke P has the second 1-on-1. He makes a speech to the boys about how this date will really bring him clarity on how he feels about Hannah and whether or not he wants to be here still. This coming from the man who literally on the FIRST date claimed he was starting to fall in love. File this away for later, because you know all the boys did. Devin calls him a douche canoe, and all the boys are hoping Hannah says:
The men find out they will be participating in the traditional highland games - except without the actual real and cool events like throwing the massive log and the hammer throw. After practicing their “skills” for a hot minute, the boys change into their kilts, including going full commando in the traditional Scottish style. This probably seemed like a good idea for a while - giving us a return of the much beloved Bachelor Black Box - and the opportunity for seriously good Tyler content like this:
But becomes less of a good idea when they are wrestling in front of ACTUAL CHILDREN with their junk flying all over the place
This girl is definitely going to be scarred for life - and all for some stupid American reality TV show
They also race with milk jugs - which seems very impractical because they literally spilled over 50% of it. Some poor milkmaid would have worked hard for that good good white stuff. Jed goes ahead and dumps the full thing all the way over his head, which I’m sure seemed cool until they didn’t have an outfit for him to change into and he smelled completely rancid the rest of the day. Hannah somehow still lets him wrestle her to the ground and he gets the win (and a kiss!). You couldn’t pay me to get near him.
In the evening portion of the date - first the guys and Hannah all comment on how nice of a day it was because Luke P wasn’t there. Umm Han? Han Ban? Sweetie? If literally everyone has a better time (including you) when a guy you’re dating isn’t around, that may be a sign that they are an awful human and you shouldn’t marry them. Just a thought.
But then, things get...shall we say….physical. Lots of people got horizontal. Hannah starts viciously making out with Jed, trying to straddle him but her skirt isn’t stretchy enough. It’s in the middle of this encounter that Kevin walks up and sees them, and just lurks like a creeper, prompting my mom to straight up walk out of the room in embarrassment and my sister to retreat into her protective t-shirt shell.
It was too much to handle
Peter then tries to be smooth by putting Hannah up on a pool table, but hits her head on a lamp. Definitely something he saw happen in a movie and wasn’t actually smooth enough to recreate. Hannah doesn’t seem to mind because she gets horizontal again. Then she takes Tyler to make out horizontal on a bed - honestly it got kind of graphic, but I respect Hannah for taking what she wants.
And Jed ends up getting the group date rose - despite the fact that he doesn’t do anything for my mom.
Meanwhile, back at the castle…
Luke and Mike are forced to sit around and chat while the guys are out, and Luke flat out denies he ever questioned wanted to leave. Mike and all of Bachelor nation are sitting there gape mouthed like:
We then get a shot of Mike reading this book about the Loch Ness monster with ominous background music, forming a new creature known as the LUKE Ness monster. Hitting us over the head with it too much? Perhaps, but honestly i’m more frightened of Luke’s beady serial killer eyes at this point than I am of whatever is at the bottom of that lake.
Luke P’s 1-on-1: The therapy session I did not ask to take part in and resent having been made to watch
Guys, I don’t know what to say about Luke at this point. I don’t understand why Hannah is keeping him around and fighting so hard when she clearly doesn’t seem to like him and >75% of their ~4 week “relationship” has been her annoyed with what he is doing. It reminds me of the most unrealistic movie of all time - How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days - where they are going to couples therapy week 1. Girl! It shouldn’t be this hard this fast. What are you doing? Run away, run away so fast.
For the date, they go sit on a cliff overlooking the sea, and Hannah basically just grills him for the next forever. This was so painful. She tells him she wants him to say how he’s feeling → instead he spits more meaningless lines and excuses for his behavior. He says he’s never been worried about their relationship → She tells him “what are you talking about? I have some serious questions.” She tell him she wants a man who people are drawn to → He tells her that “every person who has ever met me loves me”. This was about the last straw for Hannah, who throws her head in her hands and asks them if he realizes how insane that sounds
Hannah you can stop this at any point - you literally never have to speak to him again
At some point she gives up and goes to talk to the producers to beg them to make Luke tell her how he feels inside. What she doesn’t realize is that he’s a psychopath cyborg that doesn’t have emotions, and so I don’t think talking to the producers is going to help. The producers make her clean up her own mess like a big girl, and she eventually just calls it quits to move to the nighttime portion of the date.
In case you were hoping - no it didn’t get any better in the evening. She wants him to take ownership for stuff. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t. He kind of blames Hannah instead. It was super painful to watch back. Becky almost had to leave again. She said “I don’t think there’s a great guy inside and “OMG he’s hard to even look at”. At one point Luke tells Hannah he “genuinely loves every single thing about her” - which is an absurd thing to say about someone you don’t know at all and prompts this reaction from Hannah:
What the heck is coming out of your mouth
At the end of the day, Hannah tells us she can’t give Luke the rose right now…..and CLIFFHANGER.
Well fam, next week it looks like Hannah has a full break down - which may become a recurring theme on this show.
Until next week Bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor,
Audrey
