Hannah - Episode 3
Hey Bachelor Nation!
Sorry for not getting a recap out last week - I had a busy week and then was pretending to be outdoorsy in Orcas Island for MDW so didn’t have a chance to write it. But never fear! You are getting a 2-fer this week! I’ll be recapping both of the last episodes because - you guessed it - I have a LOT of opinions.
Overall - let me say that I think this is shaping up to be the greatest season EVER. I know a lot of you doubted Hannah Beast - but I was on board from the beginning. She has no filter, she says exactly what she’s thinking, and she’s really putting the guys in their place. I cannot wait for the rest of this season. If you feel differently….
Jed starts off this episode with one of the most apt quotes I’ve ever heard - “Bold doesn’t have to mean being an asshole” - I think there’s a lot of guys that may need to hear that.
Group date 1: No pain no gain
For our first group dates - the men roll up to Bachelor superfans Jenny Mollen and Jason Biggs pretending to give birth - and they find out they will be learning a little bit more about pregnancy and childbirth. Honestly the whole thing was really an indictment of our SexEd in America. Some gems:
Tyler C (who gives me very confusing feelings - so pretty, yet so dumb, but sometimes so wise?) says: “I don’t know too much about pregnancy but that your belly gets bigger and bigger, and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier”......I have no words
Cam thinks that the gestational period of a woman is 2 weeks - now I’m hoping that’s because he had never heard the word gestational - but in that case, what question did he think he was answering? 2 weeks wouldn’t be a kind of close answer to anything at all
The men seem genuinely shocked that a pregnancy belly is so heavy - as if women were just faking their lower back pain
Hannah thinking: I’m going to have to do it all myself aren’t I
After the tests, we get into the slightly sadistic part of the date. The men first get clothespins to the nipple to simulate the pain of breastfeeding, but it’s when they are hooked up to a labor simulator that things really take a turn. I will just leave you with this photo array of the horror they were going through:
Tyler C just uses it as another excuse to model:
Help me - why do I love him
I mean, they were in the simulator for maybe a minute, while women have to go through it for hours and hours - but hey, we’re used to having to work twice as hard as men for less credit. We can do anything.
In the evening portion of the date, Mike sits down with Hannah and tells her a sad story from his past. He and his ex girlfriend got pregnant, and he was all ready to start a family, but then they miscarried late in the pregnancy. He’s clearly very emotional about it - and they are deep in the conversation, when who shows up to interrupt but ABCam. Hannah essentially doesn’t acknowledge him, and he walks away to “wait outside”....until he literally appears again not 20 seconds later, just lurking in the shadows like a serial killer
I’m feeling like I need a pre-emptive restraining order on Cam, and we will never meet
Oh but don’t worry - he wasn’t done. He shows up TWO MORE TIMES, essentially begging at this point - saying “I have something really important to tell her”. Hannah could not be less excited to talk to him.
“I did not leave Tuscaloosa for this”
Apparently the important thing he needed to say was that he had to quit his job to go on the show? Cry me a f**king river - if your job was that important to you you wouldn’t have quit to go on this show. He doesn’t get to get into much detail though because Jonathan comes to interrupt. Cam refuses to get up, and both of them just come off looking like children. Jonathan clearly doesn’t read my strategy manuals, because taking on the villian is NEVER a recipe to win. You always go down with the ship. They both eventually return to the couch, and we are treated to about 5 minutes of Cam once again staring like a complete psychopath, while John Paul Jones just munches on a chicken nug like a true hero. I clearly misjudged John Paul Jones - I am now fully here for him. Join me on the JPJ bandwagon.
ABC - Always be Creepin
I’ve told you about my conflicted feelings about Tyler C - It’s a real struggle for me now. I’ll put him in the dumb and hot box, and then he goes on a full speech about how women rule the world, and he wanted to call his mom and thank her, and he thinks Hannah is a powerful woman and can move mountains, and how he’s turned on by her power, and he wants to be her cheerleader and fuel her fire - and i’m like…..is Tyler C secretly a feminist icon? But then I go to his instagram and see photos like this and think….ya probably not.
Mike ends up with the group date rose - with Hannah throwing some not so subtle shade at ABCam saying “there are many ways to be bold”....
Connor’s 1-on-1: P.S. I Like You
Connor S is set for the next 1-on-1, but Hannah apparently passed out from exhaustion and had to go to the ER. So Connor instead goes to hang out with her in her hotel room. Honestly while all the elaborate dates seem cool - I feel like it would be so nice to get to just chill with a guy and get to know him, so I think Connor actually lucked out.
He brings her soup, a card and some actually nice flowers - take notes Cam. They hang out for a while, its all very cute, and when he leaves so she can go back to sleep he leaves a bunch of post it notes all around the house about all the things he likes about her. It’s so cute, I’m thinking about doing it for myself - just to remind me how awesome I am. (Though my mom would probably say I don’t need the extra confidence).
When he gets back to the mansion, the boys are all curious. Luke P - trying to out creep ABCam - asks him “what was she wearing?” **eyeroll**. But luckily for Connor, the date isn’t over. They had clearly already booked Lukas Graham and he needed to get the promo of his new song in, so Hannah’s health be damned, they are going to this private concert. And Connor gets the rose!
Group Date 2: The Not So Secret Side of Luke P
For the second group date, we get our first awkward movie tie in for the season - this time for the Secret Life of Pets 2. Of all the TV shows I wouldn’t think the Bachelorette would have the most natural audience overlap but hey, no one asked for my advice.
The boys show up and find out from Franco - their creative director that they will be doing a photo shoot. Not with human models, but pets! I’d like to take a second to pause on Franco - he is really doing the most. He is rocking a blue eyeliner look that can be best described as “2007 Britney Spears Chic”
In some sort of ill-advised movie tie combined with an attempt to make Demi happen (it’s never going to happen) - they have Demi watching the guys on a “secret” camera watching some planted makeup artists try to flirt with the guys. They definitely all knew they were on camera though, and none of them do anything shady. The whole bit was dumb. We did find out that Luke P does Crossfit though, which is definitely the least surprising piece of information ever revealed - maybe in the history of the world
The photo shoot is going ok for a while, until Hannah and Peter kiss. This causes Luke P to go all incredible Hulk “THATS MY WOMAN” and interrupts another guys shot to get more photos with Hannah on his back while he does push-ups. Has anything ever screamed “My masculinity is more fragile than Donald Trump’s ego!” more? He then tries to follow her to her dressing room, because apparently he can’t let her have 30 seconds to change her clothes in peace without breathing down her neck.
Hannah definitely was annoyed. In the evening portion of the date she grabs him first to give him a real talking to. Not before she utters the fantastic line that Luke’s behavior is a fine line between “Thinking its really attractive and thinking its the most unattractive thing I’ve ever seen in my life”. I mean from my perspective he really firmly set up camp on the wrong side of that line 2 weeks ago, but I realize we all have our own journey to understanding. When they sit down she takes him to task. She tells him she thinks he’s being too arrogant and entitled and its irritating her. He tries to cut her off but she tells him to let her finish. It was awesome. Other Bachelorettes would have said this much more diplomatically - not Hannah Beast - straight to the point.
Luke P doesn’t let it lie though - he tries to interrupt her time with some rando, but Hannah shuts it down. He then tries again with another dude, and she shuts it down again. He then confronts Peter in the hallway for trying to talk to Hannah. Peter says what we’re all thinking “If he’s going to sink his own ship I’m not going to stand in his way”. Hannah confronts him one last time and tells Luke that she said she was going to talk to him, and so she will talk to him when she feels like. Girl is killing the game.
Luke P is literally unravelling. After last week saying he’s starting to fall in love, he then sits down on the couch and tells the guys that he had thoughts about leaving. Because at this point he can’t say that he’s in love with her. Well no shit, sherlock. You’ve known her for 20 minutes. But you sure seemed confident last week. Get your story straight.
We finally get some relief from Luke P to see Hannah and Peter generally being adorable, and sharing a pretty hot makeout against the wall. I’m fully in love with Pilot Pete already so if he doesn’t win he needs to be the Bachelor. On the Wings of Love Pt 2 anyone?
Peter gets the rose, but not before Hannah fakes out Luke by grabbing the rose and going to tell him that if he doesn’t shape up he’s going to be out. She literally tells him “I need you to work harder and fix this”.
Luke P no likey to share
It’s a Tailgate Party!
Chris Harrison rolls in and tells the guys that this time there’s not going to be a cocktail party...it’s going to be a tailgate party because #rolltide. The guys are pumped!
#TeamJPJ
But ABCam interrupts the celebration to tell the guys that he has something very serious he needs to tell Hannah about, and that it may be too much for her to handle, so he may be going home. He then does a “metaphorical cheers to living your truth”.
The guys cared as much about this speech as the amount of alcohol in that non existent glass.
Mike waits a sec and then literally calls BS. They all stand around awkwardly. And eventually just leave.
Hannah says she’s looking for a chill day - and then immediately Cam pulls her aside. Hannah tries her best to look engaged and like she wants to be there, but she’s not that good of an actress
Cam tells some story that I can’t really follow about health issues and his grandma and a puppy? Hannah clearly doesn’t want to be there and can’t stand Cam - sad story or not. Mike eventually talks to Hannah and tell her about Cam’s spiel - he uses the phrase “pity rose” - which Cam definitely didn’t say, but the sentiment was there. Honestly if Hannah liked Cam at all this wouldn’t have been a problem, but she despises him at this point. She confronts him, it’s awkward. Whatever.
Finally we get to the rose ceremony - Cam goes home finally, along with Jonathan and Joey
Wow guys that was a lot of recap. I should be able to stay on a regular schedule after this. I’ll be on vacay with the fam for part of it so you may get some live commentary from Becky, Steve, Caroline AND Joe Ballard - a real family affair.
As always! Let me know if you have thoughts or comments - I love to hear them.
Texts from my mom:
As always bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor,
Audrey
