Hannah - Episode 2
Hey Bachelor Nation!
Sorry for not getting a recap out last week - I had a busy week and then was pretending to be outdoorsy in Orcas Island for MDW so didn’t have a chance to write it. But never fear! You are getting a 2-fer this week! I’ll be recapping both of the last episodes because - you guessed it - I have a LOT of opinions.
Overall - let me say that I think this is shaping up to be the greatest season EVER. I know a lot of you doubted Hannah Beast - but I was on board from the beginning. She has no filter, she says exactly what she’s thinking, and she’s really putting the guys in their place. I cannot wait for the rest of this season. If you feel differently….
First group date: Mr. Right on the edge of crazy
For our first date of the season - the boys put themselves in Hannah’s shoes to compete in a “Mr. Right Pageant”. Hannah is joined to judge by none other than Drag Race legends Alyssa Edwards and Alaska, and the queen herself - Miss J. I watched so many hours of America’s Next Top Model as a young girl, Miss J is the GOAT.
The men find out they are going to be hitting the runway wearing tiny speedos - and let me just say, I’m all for equal opportunity objectification. Remember when they made the girls on Chris Soules’s season tractor race in bikinis? Ya they still have a lot of making up to do for that one - and this definitely helped. Hannah agrees
The drag queens help the men work through the talent portion of the competition - and it is here when we get our next of many indications that Luke P is a humorless psycho. Alyssa asks him about his talent - “What is your biggest asset?”. Luke P’s response? “My character”
“You’re going to have to dig deeper” - My thoughts exactly Alyssa
In other happenings - Mike not so casually drops that his shoes are size 15 (don’t worry Mike, I caught it), and Jed / Alaska write a song about Hannah that I need to be on Spotify ASAP.
The speedo portion of of the pageant goes about as expected - hot dudes, thirsty and excited Hannah having the the time of her life. Mike twerked, John Paul Jones was confusing, and Luke P revealed a body so chiseled he looked like he was sculpted from marble. Although his body was impressive, all that shows me is that he would be a NIGHTMARE to date. No one wants to date the guy who’s going to judge you for eating a piece of bread and only wants to tell you about his macros. No thanks.
In the talent portion - John Paul Jones learned how to ride a unicycle, Jed - whose stated profession is singer / songwriter - wrote and performed a song for Hannah that was, lets just say….not exactly what i would call “In tune”. But Luke P steals the show. Apparently his talent is “being completely delusional”. He goes up and makes a speech to Hannah, staring at her with those creepy, serial killer beady eyes. He tells her that “I’m genuinely starting. To fall. In love with you”. Ummmmm excuse me?!?
First of all, this is a new level of Bachelor lovespeak mumbo jumbo. Second, he’s spent mayyyybe 15 minutes with her total. Once again, I have spent more time with the guy who checks me out at Freshii than Luke has with Hannah, and I’m pretty sure I know more about him than Luke knows about Hannah. You don’t love her bro. Hannah, however, seems to fall for it at least for now, and Luke P is named Mr. Right.
All the guys are pretty skeptical and weirded out. Hannah’s asking for “Bold” though, so while she’s a little skeptical at first, he seems to convince her. He does say that “If I were here for the wrong reasons I couldn’t have done what I did”. Umm, ya dude, you could have. It’s not that hard to literally make up words. I do it all the time. Anyway, Hannah and Jed have a nice time and a clear connection, and Jed ends up getting the rose. The other guys literally applauded they were so excited it wasn’t Luke P - I literally don’t think I have ever seen that before. This hatred already runs deep
Tyler G’s 1-on-1: This was too boring to think of a funny caption here
So, recapping this a week later, we now know that Tyler G was mysteriously asked to leave. According to the internet it had to do with his behavior with a past girlfriend and being an “extreme misogynist” (though this is all unsubstantiated). So good for ABC for removing him. And now I don’t have to feel bad about ripping him to shreds!
They take a helicopter to a field and go ATV-ing in the mud. Hannah is wearing an all-white outfit - I’m assuming to better show the mud, because even extreme laundry wizard Becky Ballard would not be able to salvage this outfit.
Their conversation is far from scintillating - it’s mostly about the experience and how weird it is, blahdy blahdy blah. They don’t seem to have any real chemistry. He does get the rose though, and it’s the largest rose I have ever seen. Look at that thing! It can’t hold itself up. It’s like a baby whose head is too big for its body:
You’re drunk rose, go home
Group Date 2: Slamabama Hannah and her Derby Dudes
For the second group date, the men find out they are going to be doing roller derby. Hannah is rocking some faux leather spandex booty shorts and it is a brave choice. I admire it. Turns out the men aren’t so good at roller skating, as they spend the next 5 minutes just falling all over the track. I have to say I did laugh. I love watching guys be bad at things.
Fred Willard is back to call the action again. Apparently this is something they are going to do every season now. I mean, I love Fred - but dude is definitely past his prime. I could recap what actually happened in the game but I literally couldn’t care less. Only two things of note: Dustin got injured, earning himself some bonus points (and spoiler alert: the group date pity injury rose), and they didn’t do the thing where the losing team has to go home, mostly I think because the losing team had all the guys she was more in to.
In the evening portion of the date they head BACK to Big Daddy’s - the most romantic place in America, maybe the world. (please reference my recap from Episode 3 of Colton’s season and this article) Calling it now - I will be holding my hypothetical future wedding reception at Big Daddy’s antiques. You are all invited. Things are just starting to roll when ABC - Always Be Cam - who was not invited on any dates this week - shows up unannounced, like a real creepy stalker, with a bouquet of flowers that look like they were the last ones left at the bodega on Mother’s day. (Note to all gentlemen: If you ever buy me a dyed carnation you will be sorry). Cam rolls up on Hannah with some guy I haven’t bothered to learn the name of, and she very obviously looks at her producers like “What the f**k?”
She lets Cam sit down to talk, but is clearly not enthused to be spending time with him. He drops the line “I’m trying not to be too HANnalytical. Trying not to over-HANalyze things. Shoot me in the face. The other guys are understandably pissed. As Cam is doing his exit interview, they all walk up one by one like some sort of royal receiving line to air their grievances. The rotating wheel of bros, if you will. At some point in his response Cam says “You don’t have to ask for permission”. First of all, lets not make that our rule mister, that’s a dangerous path. Second - you’re the guy who asked if you could kiss her last week, so get your story straight. Side story: When we first met our rescue bulldog Angus - my dad took him by the face and declared - “I looked deep in his eyes and saw that he was a good dog.” Well I looked deep into Cam’s eyes and I did not see a good dog. I saw a creeper with no self-awareness. We would not have adopted dog Cam.
Cocktail party: The legend of the chicken nuggets begins
Hannah shows up to the cocktail party and just starts crying during her speech. I kept waiting for her to reveal that a family member was sick, or her dog died, but turns out she was just emotional because of how #blessed she felt. Live your truth girl, live your truth.
Kevin has just sat down to talk to Hannah, when ABCam walks up again to steal her. Except instead of just stealing Hannah, he takes Kevin with him to sit on the ground surrounded by roses and candles to eat chicken nuggets?!?? It was such a confusing move I still can’t process it 2 weeks later.
Mmmm, romantic
To really close the circle of immaturity, Kevin confronts ABCam back in the house, and just throws a bunch of chicken nuggets at him. Seems rude to waste chicken nuggets like that.
Later in the evening, Luke unzips Hannah’s dress to give her what appears to be the world’s worst back massage. He literally just runs his hands up and down her back. You gotta really get in there and work out the knots dude - what else are all those muscles for. Hannah then takes a turn - telling him he can take his shirt off and lay down. In a moment that I’m sure was not at all engineered by the producers, Jed walks right in to this very uncomfy scene. Hannah freaks out - dropping about 17 F-bombs. She eventually goes to talk to Jed - who handles it like a frickin champ. He makes her feel comfortable, laughs it off, and talks about how no one got anywhere by being a jealous monster. Jed is really turning into a winner in my books.
At the rose ceremony - some people we had literally never seen went home - Daron, Connor J, and Matthew (did anyone know we had a Matthew?). But it’s after the rose ceremony when things get weirder. First ABCam makes a toast to “Mrs. Hannah Ayala”. Weird flex already, but even weirder when Hannah looks super confused because she doesn’t know any of their last names yet. Then, as Hannah goes to give her interviews, Luke P sneaks in - apparently just to make out with her. This will become a theme in the next episode - where Luke apparently doesn’t want to give her any personal space…..
On to the next!
Texts from my mom:
Becky’s picture was going in and out from a storm, but she had some thoughts.
