Hannah - Episode 1
Hey Hey Bachelor Nation!!
Well, ABC finally listened to literally everyone ever and gave us a normal 2 hour preview instead of the monstrosity that was the live watch party last season.
I know people have been skeptical about Hannah after her performance on After the Final Rose and that horrendous toast on her 1-on-1 - but I’m here to tell you that after this episode and the previews for this season I am FULLY ONBOARD. I think this season is going to be amazing and I will not waver on that opinion (until I’m proven wrong).
But anyway let's get to the episode! And buckle up - this may be long because I have a LOT of opinions on the men this season.
Re-introducing Hannah
We get a recap of footage we’ve already seen of Chris Harrison telling Hannah she’s the Bachelorette. Her reaction seems completely genuinely shocked - but then I wondered - why did she think there was a camera crew in her house to film her? Just for kicks and giggles? We then get a lot of b-roll of Hannah not knowing what to do with her hands - which is honestly exactly what would happen to me if I just had to be filmed walking through fields for days
AHHHHH
The next 5 minutes are Chris Harrison and Hannah taking us around Tuscaloosa - in case we weren’t already aware that Hannah loved Alabama. I immediately started an official “Roll Tide” count - full count for the episode - including written: 14
We also get a solid few minutes of Hannah talking about how she’s struggled to be perfect, cut over video after video of her winning pageants - which is really not helping her relatability cause, but I overall find her very endearing
Let’s meet the guys
Normally I breeze through most of these intro packages because they aren’t that interesting - but boy did I have some thoughts on these
Tyler C: First package up is Tyler C - and guys I have to admit, I was literally out of breath watching this. Tyler is one of the most attractive men to ever be on this show. He is a general contractor (slash model), and does a full footloose dance in an unfinished house. I was HERE FOR IT. And not going to lie I watched this clip many times while writing this recap. Sorry not sorry.
You’re welcome world
Now - I’m fully convinced that Tyler is probably a terrible person, and at some point it will be revealed that he is a serious womanizer and we will have to cancel him - it’s hard to be that hot and also nice. But until that day, I will enjoy his presence gracing my screen. And as long as Worse Tyler hangs around he will henceforth be known as Hot Tyler
Peter:
Peter is a pilot - more on that later - but just going to leave this here for now.
New name: Hotter Rizzo
Mike: Mike is an Air Force veteran and loves his great grandmother. Game over.
Joe the Box King: After the success of Grocery Store Joe last season all Italian guys in Chicago named Joe involved in a fairly old school family business I guess decided this was the new career path they needed to pursue. Except this Joe is a super budget version of the OG.
Grocery store Joe:
Joe the Box King:
I mean look at these dance moves:
Vs. these dance moves:
Matt Donald: More on Matt Donald later. He grew up in a deaf family in Los Gatos, CA who love Alabama. I have questions.
Connor J: Connor is 28 but looks 16. He sells cars as if its something super impressive. I’m not impressed Connor J. His grandparents came over from Hong Kong and he does manage to get in a subtle message about how immigrants work hard and add to the country, so I’m pro-Connor at this point.
Luke P: Wow. I have so many thoughts about this intro. First, it starts off with a clip of him lifting weights - never a good sign - but made worse by the crazy in his eyes:
Those are the eyes of an angry Men’s Rights Activist
Then Luke tells us - with complete sincerity - that in college he was hot so he got with a lot of girls, but at some point GOD APPEARED TO HIM IN THE SHOWER and told him to stop being such a man whore. First question - is that why Colton showered so much? He was talking to God? Second question - EVERYTHING ELSE.
Luke then has a bunch of videos of him with his niece - as if to prove he’s a really nice family guy. Here’s my take on Luke: Luke is the kind of guy who “respects” women by holding open doors for them, but that respect doesn’t extend to them wanting to have an opinion, or not wanting to make him dinner every night. Maybe that’s rude, but I’m just picking up what Luke is putting down.
Limo Exits!
After a brief hiatus in past seasons, I’m happy to report the men were weird enough that I can bring back “Audrey’s Top 8 Most Cringeworthy Limo Exits!”
8) Joe the Box King: I’m all for a funny grand entrance - but this was more of a product marketing issue. Joe shows up in a large box and pops out. But for someone who makes boxes for a living - this is not good advertising. Look at the shoddiness of this product and how easily it breaks open!
This box is definitely not going to protect your precious cargo!
7) Grant: For someone whose job title is “Unemployed” - seems like the wrong move to really lean into that by shoving a hot dog and mustard into your mouth and speaking with your mouth full
6) Chasen: Chasen’s intro in and of itself was fine. He’s a pilot and brought her a paper airplane. What made it cringeworthy was that Peter aka Hotter Rizzo showed up immediately after, in uniform, and gave Hannah some wings, completely and totally upstaging him. Poor Chasen never stood a chance.
5) Matt Donald: Matt Donald rolls up on a tractor and performs a truly heinous and out of rhythm remake of “Old MacDonald” about how everyone is a bro. *Side eye*. A lot of people on Bachelor twitter seemed to be upset when *spoiler alert” Matt Donald went home because they thought he seemed sweet. Well I’m here to tell you I was NOT one of them. Matt Donald is that guy that all your friends in relationships say “He’s so sweet and nice! Why don’t you date him?” It’s because while I’m sure he is a nice guy - he has literally ZERO sex appeal or charisma and essentially NO personality. That’s why I don’t want to date him Jennifer... Leave me alone.
4) Devin: Devin, who is wearing an awful tan suit, decides he’s going to go with the whole “I just have to be honest, I’m a virgin…….HAHA JK I’m not I’ve definitely gotten it in before” approach. Why he thought this was a good idea was beyond me. It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t cute. If he had watched last season he would know that was something she took fairly seriously and maybe making a 3rd grade “NOT” joke wasn’t the way to go.
3) Cam: I was fairly on board with Cam after his ATFR rap - it wasn’t bad. He decided to follow that up by rapping again - this rap was worse than the first but not that bad. What really made it cringeworthy was when he gets back into the house and tells the guys “I was spitting bars like Willy Wonka” and drops the catchphrase “ABC: Always be Cam” - I don’t believe two whiter, less cool phrases have ever been spoken. Ever.
2) The GIANT group of guys that couldn’t speak and were unbelievably awkward: We were treated to just a montage of a bunch of the guys really blowing these entrances. I didn’t even record all their names because it was too painful to watch.
1) John Paul Jones: This wasn’t so much about John Paul Jones’s entrance as much as it was, I don’t know, EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM. First, I refuse to abbreviate to JPJ because I have a friend named JPJ and I wouldn’t insult him like that. So I will refer to him as John Paul Jones in full - as he requested. I fully think that John Paul Jones might be a serial killer - the guy is a total creep. Like in 10 years they are going to find a bunch of bodies under his porch, and in 20 years the modern day version of Zac Efron will play him in a Netflix documentary.
My mom’s take on John Paul Jones: “He’s that guy who when he walked into the college bar all the girls start whispering ‘John Paul Jones is here - run and hide’. But he’s kind of attractive, so a girl will talk to him but within 5 minutes they realize they have to get out, and so you watch him moving girl to girl around the bar all night” - Spot on Becky, Spot On.
The good: There were a couple of good entrances: Connor S jumped the fence for her and Jonathan gave her a piece of pizza (speaking my language), but only one I thought was truly excellent. Joey showed up with a baby carrier, covered in a blanket - but then removed the blanket to reveal a bottle of champagne and immediately popped it open. I have never felt more seen or understood in my life. This spoke to me on a deeply spiritual level, and I am here for Joey despite his ridiculous hair part.
Let the cocktail games begin!
After a brief, adorable prayer - Hannah gives an admirable (if long) toast, really redeeming herself from past experiences - and we are off! Some notable moments:
Luke P is first to steal Hannah away, and it’s as if he spent the last year studying the “How to be a perfect Bachelorette contestant” textbook and is wordperfect at this point. I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him - and he’s a big dude so I’m not sure I could even knock him over.
Connor J throws her a “Bachelorette Party” - where they play PG party games like “Junk in the trunk” - it’s cute, but there was a lot less matching t-shirts, excessive drinking, and strippers than most bachelorette parties I’ve seen
Cam manages to swipe the first kiss - by claiming he doesn’t kiss on the first date and this is technically their second. First - if Cam and Hannah have been on 2 “dates”, then I’m essentially married to the guy who works at the Freshii by the office. Second, I think he probably usually doesn’t kiss on the first date because he asks “Can I kiss you Hannah?” which TBH is just not hot. Don’t @ me.
Jed the singer songwriter plays a song which manages to drop 2 “Roll Tides” and definitely was not just to advance his country music career after the show is over. Definitely not.
The downfall of Scott
For whatever reason, Katie and Demi are brought back to sit in a white van and watch Hannah interact with the guys. Turns out someone (certainly not the producers) reached out to Demi to let her know that Scott actually had a girlfriend back in Chicago.
First of all - Scott was already the worst. He leads off by bragging about how he has “luxury taste” and how he lives in a high rise, which is just the douchiest thing I have ever heard - congrats! You live in a building! I’m so proud of you. One of my favorite comedians Jared Freid had honestly the best run down of how terrible Scott was just by looking at his profile.
All my Chicago folks know
But it’s when he’s confronted by his supposed girlfriend that things really go off the rails. Apparently he saw this girl on Monday (this was taped on Thursday), and told her they were going to be together after the show. Now - I firmly believe most of the guys on this show were probably talking to a girl or two right before they came on the show. But it’s his reaction thats so bad. He does so many things wrong
Never actually says he broke up with the girl
Says he doesn’t actually like her that much and was never going to be with her
First lies and says he didn’t talk to her monday then says he was still dating her monday
Tries to gaslight Hannah by saying she just broke up with Colton - which in reality was 5 months ago.
It was a trainwreck. Hannah was awesome and crushed telling him off. I particularly loved as she was walking him out her yelling at him to keep up.
The Aftermath
Hannah comes back to the guys and tells them what happens - letting them know that if anyone else has a girlfriend they are free to go. I was dying watching them all shaking their heads
Nope not me! Nothing to see here! Don’t check my instagram DMs though
She leaves to take a minute - and once again it’s Luke P who comes out to “comfort her”. He’s not exactly the most in tune to women - Hannah says she’s cold about 37 times and he fails to offer her his coat. Hannah’s definitely into him though - they share a pretty intense kiss and Luke gets the first impression rose.
By the end of this - Scott’s whole arc meant some of the guys didn’t get the chance to talk to Hannah - which I’m not sure ever happens - and they are freaking out.
Honestly these guys are all so faceless at this point that figuring out who actually went home was a challenge - but at the rose ceremony we lost: Chasen the worse pilot, Old Matt Donald, Joe the Box King, Brian, Hunter, Ryan, and Thomas.
Only other notable thing from the rose ceremony - when Hannah gives Matteo a rose she asks if she’s pronouncing his name right. It’s even whiter than when Cam dropped the Willy Wonka line.
It was full on 11am by the time they left. I will say Chasen’s exit was super sweet and I hope he’s on paradise.
This season on
By far the best part of every season - the this season on looks LIT - lots of hot makeouts, someone getting taken away in an ambulance - and potentially someone calling out Hannah for not being a virgin? Also this from my friend John:
Best moment of the night thought: outtakes Chris Harrison sweeping up the popcorn. We truly don’t deserve him. Long live the GOAT
Texts from my mom:
Becky wasn’t that vocal this episode - but when she was we were disagreeing on the men
If you have other thoughts on the episode send them my way - I love to hear from you guys!
As always - may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor
-Audrey
