Hannah - Season Finale — Bachelor Betch

Well Bachelor nation,

The season has officially come to an end, and I can honestly say that this was my favorite season of the Bachelorette of all time, and potentially my favorite of the entire franchise. I never thought I would say that about a season where the lead picks the clearly wrong guy and then has to dump him 5 weeks later after a whole host of lies and bad behavior come out, but here we are.

My co-professional Bachelor analyst OG Tyler and I developed a theory before Colton’s season. The theory states that the best choice for a lead is one who doesn’t have their shit together and will completely fall apart. While this has proven out over the past 2 seasons – I think after watching this season go down I have an addendum. The above holds true, but I think the real winners are those who we can watch figure their shit out over the course of the season. Hannah made so many questionable choices because she was insecure and didn’t really know herself. But literally watching her realize her self-worth and what she wanted while sticking up for herself over the course of the season was so satisfying. She may be the first lead I liked more at the end of the season than the beginning. They always disappoint you. Hannah did not.

I also would like to give myself a little pat on the back. (It’s my recap I’m allowed to praise myself as much as I want). People were VERY out on Hannah after Colton’s season and her performance on ATFR. But I called from DAY 1 that Hannah was going to be a great Bachelorette (or at least deliver a great season). And I was right! Highest rated season of the Bachelorette in years.

People should really take all my opinions as fact from now on

Normally I recap leading up to the ending as if we don’t already know it - but given we all know the ending, I’m going to analyze the episodes with the ending we all know in mind. This was a lot of content, so brace yourself for another MONSTER recap #sorrynotsorry

Back to the rose ceremony

Yup, night one starts back up at the never ending rose ceremony, post Luke P departure (boy doesn’t Luke seem like a lifetime ago. He’s gotta be so happy Jed is now the most hated man in the Nation). The remaining gentlemen only get a brief moment of celebration though before they realize another person is going to be leaving.

But first, hero among men Chris Harrison has to replace the podium that Hannah epically moved last episode. Did the podium actually need to be 2.5 feet further back? Probably not - but then we would have been robbed of this classic moment

After a tearful speech, Hannah gives the roses to Tyler (yay!) and Jed (boo!) - leaving poor Pilot Pete heartbroken. Pete keeps it together better than Hannah though - who is having a full Mesnick-level meltdown. She tells Peter he’s the perfect guy and everything was so easy (hmm...maybe a sign that they would have been better together?!? Just saying).

Peter handles it like a true gent. He tells her that he doesn’t regret anything and she will always have a piece of his heart. He finally starts the waterworks as he gets in the van - and all of America’s hearts broke in unison. It’s a great Bachelor edit.

I mean look at this face:

Even my cold cold heart couldn’t resist feeling his pain

Peter live in studio

We cut back abruptly to Peter live in the studio with Chris Harrison - wearing an all black suit like he’s attending his own funeral of love. Peter’s precious family is also in the studio just sitting there so supportive and loving - I want to be adopted.

After Chris Harrison twists the knife into Peter’s heart a bit more, Hannah comes out for their sit down. Their conversation is pretty standard “when did you know it wasn’t me” fare, and its all very nice and respectful. Hannah does say she thought Peter would meet her family - making it very clear that she did switch her mind to pick Tyler last minute (if only she had switched away from Jed).

The conversation is wrapping up when things take a turn. Chris tells them “Because of you two, no one will ever look at a windmill the same..” And this is when Hannah decides to inform us that she actually lied...they didn’t do it twice. It was 4 times! WHAAAATTT! I cannot believe she said this on live TV.

First - I thought “OMG his family is there!” But look at them - they couldn’t be more thrilled (a point Chris Harrison is sure to point out).

Thats our boy!! Get it in! So much stamina!

My second thought was - she’s obviously single. No way if she was engaged to either Tyler or Jed she would have sat down and bragged about how many times she had sex with another guy on live TV.

All of that said. It just confirmed how epic Hannah is. Girl is not afraid to say whatever she wants on camera. And I am here for it.

Jed and Tyler meet the family - and maybe Hannah should have taken their advice

While we are still on the come down from that exciting revelation about Peter, we cut back to Hannah’s remaining two men meeting her family.

Tyler is up first, and in the preview to her family Hannah is super open about the fact that they didn’t sleep together in the fantasy suite - which I guess is good? She clearly doesn’t hold back much from them.

Honestly everything about this date went perfect. Probably because Tyler is perfect. He first sits down and tells her parents that they should be so proud of the strong woman Hannah is and how well she has conducted herself *swoon*. We also find out that he took dance because the Wake Forest football team needed him to get his GPA up - which I can forgive because he ended up getting academic honors. (TBH I could forgive him pretty much anything at this point).

Hannah’s mom sits down with Tyler and asks him basically “If you do something Hannah’s not going to like - will you be honest and own up to it?”. Tyler obviously gives the correct response and says yes - as if anyone wouldn’t, its a pretty leading question. What was he going to say to her mother - “No, I’m going to lie to your daughter and hide things from her”? But it was pretty hilarious given what we know Jed ends up doing that she teed this up for Tyler so nicely.

Tyler also sits down with Hannah’s dad - who has an incredible mane of hair. Truly gorgeous. They talk about the fantasy suites - still kind of a weird thing to talk to your girlfriend’s dad about but whatever. Hannah’s dad is clearly charmed by Tyler. I mean - is he getting maybe too many kudos for not pressuring Hannah to have sex? Ya of course - this seems like a baseline thing you should expect in a human. But he has so many other wonderful qualities that they should be charmed by.

Overall Hannah’s family loves Tyler so much. It goes so well that as they walk out Hannah tells Tyler that she’s been falling in love with him. It’s so adorable it makes the fact that she picked Jed even more heart wrenching.

Jed’s turn to meet the fam - spoiler alert: It goes much worse

Jed shows up, and the ominous music starts playing - not a good sign. He tells them he’s a musician - which really sets the rest of this date on a bad path.

He first sits down with Hannah’s dad - who is very concerned with how Jed is going to provide for Hannah. Now, this was all a little bit old-fashioned in the sense that it was about the man having to provide for his family. However - I think it came from a good place of Hannah’s dad generally wanting to protect her - and knowing that finances can be a major issue in a relationship. Jed doesn’t exactly answer these questions well. He says that he plans to have as many facets of income as possible - neglecting to tell him that one of those is performing as a bachelor party stripper… But then he drops the real game changer. He tells her dad that his biggest accomplishment was signing a deal with a dog food company to write their jingle.

Oh if you didn’t think I immediately hopped on to the internet to find this jingle - you don’t know me at all. I present to you here - in all it’s glory - the full uncut version of BETTER BOWL!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNbhaJJHp8Y

Before this episode Better Bowl had 13, yes 13 followers on twitter. And now the cut version of the jingle has been viewed 125K times. I’m not sure any brand has ever gotten more of a free bump in awareness. Whatever they paid Jed for that jingle now must seem like a real bargain

Now - if you thought we weren’t going to re-write this jingle to be about Jed’s two timing ways - you also don’t know us. I present to you “Better Better Bowl” - lyrics by OG Tyler

edited: "rain or shine, kind of love like nothing you’ve seen before. your [girlfriend you left behind and promised to return to after filming a tv show about love] really does deserve the best, go pick [her] up some better [boyfriend who wont leave you left behind and promised to return to after filming a tv show about love]

Also can anyone with perfect pitch tell me how off he is on that last note? #notimpressed

Hannah’s mom rightfully points out that the career is hard now, but that even if he hits it big its going to be hard on their relationship. When she sits down with Hannah it’s clear where her head is at. She drops the very shady comment: “He has qualities…..” before launching into how she thinks Tyler is a better fit. Hannah’s dad doesn’t hold back with her either. He tells her “He’s really proud of the dog food jingle that he did” - and though he says it with a straight face its perhaps the most shady thing a parent has ever said. Go Mr. Brow

Hannah’s dad through this whole conversation

I give Hannah credit for sticking up for herself and telling her dad that she can provide for herself. Hannah’s dad takes this in - but tells her “I don’t want you to settle for anything - and that’s as honest as I can be”. Preach Hannah’s dad. Preach. She could have had Tyler and instead….

It’s probably even more clear after this that Jed is the one she likes more - because her parent’s clear preference for Tyler and hesitance about Jed has her freaking out. It’s similar to when Jojo’s parents clearly liked Robby more - but in this case they were wrong and Hannah’s parents were 15000% right.

In their last conversation Hannah really dumps on Jed. She tells him that Tyler’s visit went really well and now she’s confused - which seems like a lot to put on him, but I don’t feel bad at this point. Jed tells Hannah he believes in her and is there for her, and the day ends.

Tyler’s last date

For Tyler’s last date - the producers do him dirty and make him ride horses again - which just seems cruel. It goes better than last time at least, and they seem to have a nice time. Tyler said he wants to be anywhere with Hannah - including in a little apartment arguing about what color paint to put on the walls. I really just bring this up because it gave me a really nice visual of a shirtless Tyler painting an apartment and I’m here for it.

They also have a very sweet nighttime portion - they talk about what life looks like after this (granted with no specifics, just Tyler saying “we can be kickass in our marriage”) and how Tyler wants to name their child Timmy, before having some more makeout time.

Jed’s last date

Honestly I feel like Hannah really should have been more clued in to all the signs the universe was throwing her way. She and Jed go on a boat date. She says “Is it really rocky or is it just me” to which Jed responds “I see some treachery up ahead”. She then basically immediately gets very seasick and is vomiting. This is honestly reflective of the way I feel about Jed as a whole, and is a perfect metaphor for what’s about to come.

Also not to body shame because relative to the average population they are all hot and in incredible shape - but this was not a flattering outfit for Jed - I don’t think the journey has been kind to him.

Generally Hannah and Jed are all very anxious throughout this date given how her family visit went. Jed does a good job to settle her though by reinforcing how much he loves her and how its not about this show or process - but he would have loved her if he met her anywhere. (Methinks this may not be the truth)....

And this is where night one ends. But not before Hannah tells the full live audience that the last few months have been emotional, and she has a lot of questions that need to be answered. As if that weren’t premonition enough

Night 2: Proposal devastation

We start night two with the proposal nigh - and unlike most seasons where they make it seem like the Bachelor/Bachelorette is super torn, despite the fact that it’s very obvious who they will choose - I think at this point Hannah might have been legitimately confused about who she was going to pick given how up and down her emotions had been.

Our favorite plastic surgery test dummy Neil Lane shows up to meet the gentlemen. I was excited for Neil. He didn’t get any airtime on Colton’s season so he needed to make up for it. Tyler chooses a ring that in retrospect I’m glad he doesn’t get to use because boy is it over the top. Look at that thing - It looks like Xzibit would have loved it

Jed on the other hand - says the following thing about his ring choice “This one almost represents our love more, because of the oval shape - it’s kind of more of a constant. And we’ve been a constant. Able to come back to where we started no matter what. Um excuse me? Jed I’m pretty sure that’s not how shapes work. That’s also not how words work. I’m beginning to better understand why his songwriting career is not taking off..(Oh that and the fact that he’s not a very good singer).

We also get the very troubling voice over of Hannah saying “I feel like Jed is as honest with me as I am with him. And that’s what you want in a life partner”. Well the only way that statement can be true is if Hannah was actually lying to Jed the whole time about everything, but who’s counting.

Hannah is in the van over and is starting to panic. She asks production to pull over the car to get some air, and as she’s walking in her fancy gown takes a real tumble

TBH - I felt for her here - I’m clumsy in heels too. But maybe she should have taken this as yet another omen that she was about to make the wrong choice. Girl- listen to the universe when it is giving you signs. You clearly aren’t very good at decisions at this point.

Hannah finally pulls it together, and it’s of course Tyler who pulls up first. I have to admit even though we knew the final answer at this point - losing all hope here for Hannah and Tyler was really devastating. He launches into his very sweet speech - which he clearly practiced a ton. Hannah lets him get a ways into it, but stops him short of getting down on one knee.

The look on his face when he realizes what is happening and as he says “This isn’t it” - I couldn’t take it

Even in heartbreak Tyler is a champ. He tells her he is still going to be her biggest fan and root for her, and wishes her and Jed nothing but success. What a gent. We don’t deserve him.

Actual proposal time - cringe

With Tyler sent packing, Jed pulls up - and I shit you not, he brought his guitar. Even if we didn’t have a sense of how this was going to end - I still think him bringing his guitar to the proposal would have been cringeworthy. Like dude, we get it. You play music - but maybe just tell the girl you supposedly want to marry how you feel in words? Also this has literally just been done in Bachelor Nation much more successfully. Chris Lane proposed to Lauren Bushnell with a song that already has 5 million youtube views and 7 million streams on Spotify. Sucks to suck Jed.

After the above awkward one-arm hug - he plays his song. Which honestly sounds like everything he’s ever played. I half expected him to bust out Better Bowl or Mr Right tbh. Hannah eats it up though. I mean look at the way she looks at him - like sun shines out of his ass. Makes what’s about to happen all the more devastating.

Hannah tells Jed she has been praying for him since she was a little girl and that she loves him. He gets down on one knee and proposes - and she obviously says yes. Much like Arie’s season - knowing what happens really makes the moment a lot less sweet.

I don’t know if its just his affect, or if I was reading more into it because we know he sucks now - but honestly throughout the whole post engagement and the shots of them doing their happy couple weekends it seemed like Jed couldn’t have wanted to be there less. At one point he says “We’re engaged” with the same tone and enthusiasm I would say “the partners scheduled an 8 am Monday case team meeting”. It wasn’t a good look.

The aftermath

After a few quick shots of them happy together - we cut right to Hannah talking about finding out about the People magazine article from Jed’s current / ex girlfriend. I was prepared to hear Jed’s side of the story and maybe cut him some slack if he was convincing enough - that is not what happened.

Apparently right after they got engaged Jed told Hannah about Haley - but that they were just hanging out and he broke it off a week before. Clearly not the whole truth.

When they sit down, Jed tries to defend himself by minimizing his relationship, and doing the thing where he will admit to part of the truth in the name of being honest - but is really still holding most of the truth back. A few of the many issues with what Jed does:

Says they “only hung out a few times” - when they met each others families and went on multiple vacations together and he said “I love you”
He went on a vacation with her family in the Bahamas and still thought she wouldn’t think it’s exclusive / a relationship
He says he told Haley that he loved her, but he had been drinking - neglecting to mention to Hannah until she asks that he said it many more times after that
Claims that he didn’t have a “verbal goodbye”, but that he “ended it in his heart and not verbally” - despite the fact that he texted Haley “I love you” that same day. - this may be the worst one. “I did break up with you! Just telepathically - not with my words”. What a dick.

Generally also Jed looks completely disinterested through the whole thing. He comes off like a total ass. It’s clear that not only was he being an ass to Hannah for coming on the show with a girlfriend - but if everything he actually admitted to was true, he was being a complete and total ass to this other girl as well. Not a good look. Also apparently he was describing what happened as he “won” the show, and was back in Nashville hanging with girls as if nothing happened.

I mean look at this face. This is the face not of a man who is actually sad and sorry that he messed up and hurt the woman he loves, but the face of a f**kboy who is annoyed that someone actually called him out on his cheating lying ways.

After saying “You got to see all of me and I didn’t get to see all of you” and telling him that this was not what she said yes to, Hannah eventually leaves her ring, and we find out she officially ended their relationship via phone days later. Good for her, as much as I’m sure it hurt.

I feel like these audience members picture-in-picture reaction was me throughout this whole segment:

The confrontation

Hannah comes out to the live audience, looking fabulous - but clearly struggling. Hannah and Chris Harrison chat through everything for a while, and Hannah lets them know she and Jed are definitely not together. Then Jed is brought out - to essentially complete silence - he gets absolutely no applause.

Jed comes out very contrite - but its too little too late. Hannah is clearly hurt - but she stays strong and lets him know she doesn’t want to punish him, but hopes he can learn and get better for the next person he’s with.

Hannah also lets us know after Jed leaves that she doesn’t need a man, and she’s “hella strong”, and we are all here for it. You go girl!

Tyler’s back on the stage

After Jed leaves, Tyler is brought back, and based on the reaction from the crowd you would have thought it was 2011 Justin Bieber and a bunch of 12 year old girls (or lets be honest, 28 year old me at the Shawn Mendes concert 4 weeks ago)- people were freaking out that much .

He comes down and is once again just super sweet and supportive - and they clearly still have a lot of chemistry.

Chris asks Hannah what’s going on in her head, and she’s at first a little speechless. She babbles on for a while before saying. “I want someone to be bold, and I’m bold and I make bold moves. You’re an incredible guy and I’m a single girl so...I don’t know, i thought maybe we could go for a drink”. Tyler responds with “I would love to just tell me when and I’m there” - and MY WORLD EXPLODED. I immediately got a facetime from OG Tyler, and I’m just going to give you a little sneak peek at the screenshots from that conversation so you can see how I was feeling about this possible rekindling

Needless to say I was in favor, and very excited about the prospect.

Since then, it’s been a few weeks and we also know Tyler was spotted 1) leaving Hannah’s apartment in the morning after their date and 2) hanging out with Gigi Hadid TWICE. Now I’m #teamTyler on this one. Hannah picked another guy instead of him, and he’s now the most popular man in America - so he should definitely take advantage of going out with the hottest woman alive. If he and Hannah end up working out, great. But he is a free man and I will stand by him as long as he doesn’t do something douchey.

Texts from my mom:

Wow - Becky had a lot of thoughts. Also at this point she is fully bought into the Bachelor and is even worrying about it between episodes. I’m so proud. She also may be #TeamGigi but we’ll have to see on that one

Night one:

Night two:

The aftermath:

Anyway Bachelor nation - It’s been a pleasure recapping this season for you - it’s was one of the most fun to date. Although I don’t recap Bachelor in Paradise so I can take a break and focus on fantasy football prep, I’ll be watching and I welcome any and all discussion - I already have a lot of thoughts about the Blake drama.

Until next season Bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor

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