Peter - Episode 1
Welcome to a new season Bachelor Nation!
Before I get started, I have to give a HUGE shoutout to Tyler, Lauren, Jono, and Kelly - they are the true MVPs and surprised me with a Cameo from Jorge the bartender
Honestly may be one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. If you were wondering “Hey Audrey, how did you react when you saw it?” - never fear, I have photo evidence
There were tears, ugly tears. Guys I’m not cool around even pseudo celebrities. I saw Patrick Mahomes’ girlfriend and brother out for a walk with their dogs over Christmas and nearly had a panic attack. So having someone from the franchise send me a message was a big moment. Thanks to the best friends!!
Now, lets get into the show
Seriously, I think this might have been one of the greatest premieres in Bachelor History. Remember a few seasons ago when they did a 3 hour premiere so we could watch Goose and Krystal sit in a lukewarm hottub in a studio parking lot and then watch an older woman sexually harrass Ben Higgins? Ya, this was light years better than that.
In a real break from Bachelor tradition, we start this season with a flash forward to what seems like the last episode, complete with ominous silence, where Chris Harrison tells a shocked Peter that they just found something out that may affect how things end. Methinks we will see this clip again and again for the next 10 weeks, fence jump-style, but tbh I’m here for it. They also gave us the “this season on” right in the beginning. Which is my favorite part of any
We then abruptly switch back into the traditional Intro to the Bachelor package where they remind us why we should care about this person’s search for love, and give us our first gratuitous thirst trap shots to convince you they are desirable. If you were wondering, “How hard are they going to lean into the fact that Peter is a pilot, well these stills are all from the first 5 minutes of the show
Although I realized Peter went back to work at Delta, I didn’t really think about the fact that he would frequently just be walking through airports. I’m calling it now - 50 bonus points to anyone who gets an airport selfie with Peter and automatic win to anyone who is on a flight he is piloting and gets a selfie with him in the cockpit. Go forth and stalk!!!
What I also didn’t fully appreciate before this episode is how much Peter loves planes and flying. Like, I knew he was super into it, but I didn’t know just HOW into it he was. Like, dude nerds out about planes. He gets so excited when he sees a plane, or thinks about a plane. Just look at these faces - one where he thought a girl was going to bring a plane up the driveway and one where he actually saw a plane:
I just want someone to look at me the way Peter looks at large hunks of metal
Ladies’ intro packages
Given all the drama that occurred later in the episode, it felt like we had a few less intro packages than normal. Most were pretty boring, but a few notable moments:
Alexa: It seems like approximately 65% of the women this season are from Chicago, which gave us lots of great Chicago scenery shots and also Alexa’s intro. She is an esthetician, and this poor random woman agreed to be in the video getting her nether regions waxed
To protect Alexa’s brand, I’m really hoping this woman goes somewhere else to get her eyebrows waxed because boy is that a tragic 2003 skinny brow look
Hannah Ann: Hannah Ann is a model from Tennessee (and friends with Hannah G). While she chose a lot of nice bikini shots for her intro package, this is personally my favorite campaign she has done:
Tammy: Was on the wrestling team in high school, which is pretty bad ass. But also I just have mad respect for a girl who allows this shot to be how she’s introduced to millions of people in America
TBH her face looks much better than if I were to try to lift that much weight
Kelley: Kelley is an attorney from Chicago. However she works at her dad’s firm with all her brothers, and apparently this is where she sits:
Now I love my family and am all for family time, but nothing good can come from a girl whose dad wants to be that close to her at all times. No thank you!
Also we find out that Kelley met Peter before the show started at a hotel in LA. Much more on that later, as of course this is something that won’t be casually forgotten about
Madison: Madison’s dad is an assistant coach for Auburn’s basketball team, and she won 4 state championships in high school. I immediately texted my little sister, to see if she was jealous, because she never was able to win a championship in her career. Her response: “Honestly yes, but I watched it and her shot and cross over actually looked pretty good”
Audrey’s most cringeworthy limo exits!
The limo exits begin, and I was a little nervous because the first 7 or 8 were super boring and nice. But I shouldn’t have doubted the Bachelor producers, casting team, and the nut jobs they put on this show, because boy did they deliver. Normally I do a full rank order, but this year I’ve decided to separate them into two main themes: Flight-related puns and awkward sex jokes (most involving a windmill)
Flight puns:
Honorable Mention) Madison: Madison rolled up in a giant paper airplane, which was actually pretty cute, so not really that cringeworthy at all
4) Kiarra: Came in fully curled up in a suitcase. Honestly this was kind of impressive, though I’m not sure where else you could use this talent. She is a nanny - so maybe to entertain the children? But either way, this GIF just killed me:
3) Shiann: Gave peter a barf bag and told him “I know you’re going to have a lot of nauseating” conversations. Not that bad, but I generally try not to have vomit be the first thing a guy who i’m interested in associates with me
2) Courtney: Waddled in in a tiny little toy plane. This wouldn’t have been bad at all except for - see above how excited Peter was that it might have been a real plane. The let down was real.
1) All of the flight attendants: Tie for first most cringeworthy flight entrance was all 3 of the flight attendants back to back: Eunice - who wore angel wings, Jade who did nothing interesting, and Megan who used an intercom. They all clearly thought this was going to be great for them, as Peter’s mom was a flight attendant and met his dad in the skies, and aren’t we all just dying to marry someone with the same job as our parents? Then they all ended up in the mansion together like :
Turns out Peter’s not trying to bring work home with him, or maybe he didn’t want to deal with the paperwork of dating someone who works at a competitor because SPOILER ALERT: all three of the flight attendants were sent home
Awkward sex jokes and windmill call backs:
6) Jasmine: Just talked about the 4 times in Vietnamese, which Peter definitely does not speak, so she avoided the awkward
5) Deandra: Came in wearing windmill blades like angel wings - asked Peter if he was ready for round 5. In the grand scheme of things not so bad - though I find it strange to introduce yourself to a guy by talking about all the sex he had with his ex
4) Kylie: Pulled out a giant roll of condoms - a double call back to Hannah finding them in his car. Kind of awkward and presumptuous but at least he knows she wants to be safe
3) Payton: Came out of the limo just screaming “FOUR TIMES!?!?” over and over again. What kind of response were you looking for here Payton? A chest bump? A play by play? Him to explain - “ya it was only 4 because the first two were kind of bad so I had to make up for it”?
2) Katrina: Told Peter he was going to fall in love with her hairless…..pussy….CAT! And then actually pulled out a picture of said creature. Now the joke made me uncomfortable to begin with, but it’s the fact that she owns a hairless cat that’s the real problem. I’m with the always correct Rodger Sherman when he says that this cat is a “uncaring, hideous hell demon that lives atop your shelves and cabinets and would not care if you died”. Sorry but not sorry if you own a hairless cat
#1 forever and always) Victoria F: Oh Victoria F, you poor poor thing. I’m imagining this is how the conversation with the producer went ahead of time:
Victoria F: I have this joke that I want to tell but it might be too dirty
Producer: What is it?
Victoria F: “I have a very dry sense of humor, but that’s about all that’s dry about me *Wink wink*”
Producer (with a maniacal grin): “You should 100% definitely tell that joke, Peter will think its so funny and you will definitely get the first impression rose. It won’t be awkward at all”
Victoria F: Are you sure, I’m really really really nervous
Producer: Seriously! Its a really good joke you should do it. Just make sure you own it.
Spoiler alert: Victoria F. did NOT own it. She gets up there and gets through the first sentence and just kind of trails off. Peter is not dumb, and can assume where she’s going with it, but the whole thing is just a trainwreck. It’s not a particularly good joke to start with, but If you’re going to tell it, you AT LEAST have to do it with confidence. To make matters worse, in their one on one time later. Victoria has to REMIND Peter about what she says, instead of pretending the whole thing never happened. This resulted in a lot of tears. I have a feeling we are going to see a lot more Victoria F. breakdowns before the next few episodes are over
Cross-over winner: Tammy managed to combine both themes with her TSA wand, telling Peter “I heard there was a large package in the driveway”. Honestly, I’m here for it
My favorite entrance: Jenna came in with a cow named Ashley P, which she called her emotional support cow. This was great for a multitude of reasons:
Makes fun of the ridiculous proliferation of emotional support animals (Eunice the flight attendant did not get the humor in this)
Makes fun of how everyone on the Bachelor has the same name
Sets up a situation where MULTIPLE women are running around the mansion saying “OMG she brought a pony!” I need to know. What kind of childhood did you have where you think that’s a pony? Did you never go to a petting zoo, or watch a movie? Or play with any toys that featured barnyard animals? This is a mystery I need to solve
The night continues
The ladies are about to have their usual midnight panic attack about how many women are in the room when one more limo pulls up and out pops…Hannah Brown! Peter’s face was shocked, but the real over-reactor was Mykenna - who lets out the most savage guttural “NOOO” I have ever heard. For the moment, Hannah is just back to give Peter the wings he gave her so he can find his own co-pilot, but this is not the last we will see of Miss Hannah B.
I’m going to skip through a bunch of this night because this recap is already 1000 pages long, but there were a few notable moments.
Hannah Ann gets one on one time with Peter and gives him a painting that she and her dad painted. She claims she was super nervous to give it to him because “it’s really personal”. This is that painting:
First, this is not a particularly good painting. It looks like something I would have made in 6th grade art class. Second - how is that personal? It’s a photo of some mountains. But she’s hot enough that Peter decides this painting is worth a makeout sesh. Hannah Ann stirs up drama later in the night though when she steals Peter THREE TIMES! Now, to take him for a second time when other people have not gotten to talk to him is breaking Bachelor Commandment #1. However a third time just really seems over the top.The worst part is that in the final time she referred to herself in the 3rd person - “There’s just one thing Hannah Ann” needs to do. Peter apparently doesn’t think either of these are deal breakers because Hannah Ann receives the First Impression rose.
Shiann, who was the last interrupted girl, confronts Hannah Ann about this and she just gets crickets as a response. It was some real Jedi mind trickery.
The Rose Ceremony
The rose ceremony arrives kind of alarmingly early in the episode, and the producers don’t even try to hide that its fully light outside
It is fully 9am
8 girls go home. Only three of which: Katrina, Maurissa, and Kylie are dignified with an exit shot. Pour one out for Eunice, Avonlea, Jade, Jenna, and Megan - we hardly knew ye. Hope you didn’t take the tags off of all of your Revolve clothing!
First Group Date: Top Gunners
In a Bachelor first, we actually get into the first set of dates in the premiere episode. But the first date involves a time-honored Bachelor tradition: The loosely-themed obstacle course designed for maximum humiliation!
They head to an airstrip and some badass lady pilots take the girls through a few lessons, the first of which is math. It does not go particularly well. I didn’t realize the number of feet in a mile was some sort of difficult piece of trivia knowledge, but considering exactly zero people got it right, apparently it is.
The next task is to go in a giant gyroscope. If you were hoping someone would have trauma related to this event - you win! Turns out Victoria P has a deep-seated fear after throwing up on the Teacup ride at Disney world. If you were hoping they would do a dramatic reenactment a la Annaliese and the bumper cars - you win again!
It’s a small world after alllll…
To Victoria P’s credit, she sucks it up and just pukes after. Although I would be terrified to puke on a first date, it does win her some extra time with Peter.
The ladies then compete in a pilot/flight-themed obstacle course. Lots of things happen, but mostly just this gif of them trying to run up to a wind tunnel
It comes down to Tammy and Kelley riding a tricycle course. Kelley respects the rules of the course about as much as Jade and Tanner respected the rules of DraftKings (look it up) or the Houston Astros respected any of the rules of baseball. Look at these routes:
Peter clearly doesn’t care about the rules because he wants to spend time with Kelley more than with Tammy, so she gets the sunset plane ride with him. You best believe this came up later in the evening portion of the date, which just so happens to be held at the same hotel Kelley and Peter met at. I’m surrreee that was just a coincidence. The women try to confront her, but Kelley really isn’t having it. Peter still doesn’t care, as Kelley gets the group date rose.
Madison’s 1-on-1: Meet the Parents
Madison gets the first 1-on-1 date and she goes to Peter’s house, where his parents are having a vow renewal that I’m sure was just planned in advance and not put on specifically for this date by ABC. I have many questions. If you are Peter’s parents, do you really want some random girl at your vow renewal? If you are Madison - do you want to meet the parents on a first date? The Bachelor typically does this way too early meeting the parents thing, and the person basically never wins. However Madison definitely seems to fit in well and take it all in stride.
After the vow renewal, they go to dinner, Madison gets a rose, and then they are treated to a private concert by Tenille Arts. This seemed familiar to me, so I tweeted about it, and Tenille thankfully gave me some confirmation.
I was dying. What a matter of fact response
To make a private concert even more awkward, Peter’s entire family shows up. Because what girl doesn’t want to slow dance to a random band on a first date next to her date’s whole fam? Sounds magical!
Second Group Date: Return of the Beast
The next group of ladies show up for their date, and who happens to be there but….Hannah Brown! You can tell they are all painting on a happy face but are so confused why the F she is still hanging around.
Hannah launches into a long “story” about what happened in the windmill, and then tells the girls they will be telling their own stories about sex in front of a live audience, a la Mortified. But this is not where this night is going. Pretty soon we cut to Hannah back in the dressing room, completely falling apart. Now it was very obvious this was not planned because there is poor lighting, and there’s no way they would have let her wear this mascara:
Definitely not waterproof
Peter goes back to talk to her, and it’s super clear there are still a ton of feelings there. There’s a ton of dramatic and very heart-wrenching back and forth. Hannah admits that she’s super confused and still thinks about him a lot. Peter asks her to come on the show, he confronts her and asks 1) If she regrets sending him home and 2) why she asked Tyler and not him out. Both of these are very fair questions, and Hannah doesn’t have a great response, other than that she thought he wanted to be the Bachelor and didn’t want to mess it up for him
They leave us on a cliffhanger, but I was mostly just sitting here wondering - How the hell did Hannah f@#$ up her season so badly. It was so obvious that Peter was the best choice for her. Tyler is amazing. Less amazing as a partner for her, but still a MUCH better choice than Jed. How did she end up choosing Jed?!?!
Anyway. We will find out how it all resolves next week. I’m seriously on the edge of my seat. What a dramatic first episode. How do we possibly go up from here?!?!
Until next week Bachelor Nation, may the odds and roses be ever in your favor
- Audrey
