Peter - Episode 5

I’m exhausted Bachelor nation.

After the Chiefs super bowl win and 5 HOURS of Bachelor content this week, I need a break. Plus, Peter has allowed the show to devolve into pure chaos and I’m emotionally drained just thinking about it. But, I promised I would not let you down, and so a recap I will deliver. I’m splitting it up into the individual episodes because I honestly think if I did both together the email would be too large. 

Also I got to watch this episode live with Mama B so you’ll be getting some live reactions instead of texts. 

Here we go…..

Back to the rose ceremony

Um - remember when Alayah was on this show? Seems like a lifetime ago, but we kicked off the week back at the rose ceremony with all the women staging a full mutiny against Peter after bringing her back. Peter, finally recognizes that while he thinks Alayah is hot, if he keeps her all the other women might leave, and tells her to leave again. 

Oh but did you think with Alayah gone we would be done with the drama? Of course not. If Peter had even one iota of being able to handle conflict maybe this never would have happened, but alas here we are. 

We are then treated to a montage of Peter with all the women, likely designed to try and get the audience to buy that the women are still into Peter and not ready to set him on fire. 

At the rose ceremony - Kiarra, Savannah, and Deandra are sent home. 

Deandra takes this hard. She cries to the camera “I just feel so blindsided”. Becky B’s reaction: “Has he ever talked to you?” It’s a fair response, but Becky also spent the entire episode asking me who every girl was because she didn’t seem to recognize them when they changed outfits, so take everything she says with a grain of salt. 

Sydney’s 1-on-1: But mostly about Peter’s injury

The ladies and Peter head to Costa Rica (to which the geography pro Becky B said “Is Costa Rica really international? Isn’t it American?). Peter shows up to meet the women with a giant bandage on his face. Now, Peter getting stitches was pretty widely reported on when it happened, but nothing could have been better than seeing it play out on the show. 

First, Peter shows up and starts into a story about being attacked by a puma in the wild. Lets just say some of these women were more gullible than others. Here’s a list of who believed him. 

The real story is so much better. Turns out Peter ran into a golf cart, bumped his head and then in the reverb smashed his face into a glass. The producers treated us to not only an amazing grainy re-enactment a la the time on BIP when the producer jumped out the window and broke both legs , but also to the actual security footage - and it was so much better than I expected!

I’ve watched this video 100 times and I can’t stop laughing. I don’t even feel bad about it after all  that Peter has put me through this season. 

After that excitement, Sydney and Peter head off on their 1-on-1. They helicopter around the beautiful countryside and make out. Peter tells her she’s the best kisser (side note: Hope whoever he ends up with didn’t see that) - which of course means we are treated to a lot of super close up lip biting shots

In the evening portion of the date - Sydney tells Peter about her life. She basically didn’t have any relationship with her dad, and was bullied and mocked for being mixed race as a teenager. She claimed that people were super mean to her in high school. I do believe her, however some people who went to high school with her have come out with yearbook photos of her being voted “top beauty”. Now, I think both of those things could be true and I don’t think Sydney is lying, but the real revelation was that Hannah B and Sydney were in the same high school class! How is this something that hasn’t come up yet?!? I need to know more. 

Sydney gets the rose, and then they have some very steamy makeouts in a pool. My only question is - was she wearing a bathing suit under her date dress the whole time?!? That had to have been so uncomfortable. Also was Peter wearing swim trunks too? Someone please investigate. 

Meanwhile back at the resort…

This date is interspersed with shots of Kelsey crying and being emotional about having to share Peter. At one point, she is by the pool clearly several glasses of wine deep, talking to a sober and much more rational Tammy (boy I miss the time when Tammy was the best). Tammy rightfully points out that this is what they signed up for, and that there is an end in sight. To which Kelsey responds: “There’s never an end!” Then she starts ragging on Sydney. Exhibit A:

Now, I believe Kelsey constantly crying was probably pretty annoying. And she seems like an annoying drunk. But Tammy is about to take this to an extreme and very mean level. 

Group date: The influencer olympics continue

For the group date, the women find out they will be doing a bikini photoshoot for Cosmo! And the producers just continue to lean into these girls’ real motives. 

But the real star of the show on this date was the absolutely terrible bikini butt editing done by the team. Now this type of editing happens often - but to see it all together here was just laughable

Now if you weren’t looking closely maybe you wouldn’t notice the leopard print one - but look at the Victorias! It literally looks like it was done in MS Paint

Of course, Victoria F - the super shy and meek one *eyeroll* is the first to just start making out with him in the middle of the other girls, followed closely by Hannah Ann. However I’m cutting Hannah Ann more slack because it allowed for the greatest shot of all time:

At this point, Tammy was my queen. I had never loved another contestant more. I was prepared to build a shrine at Playa Escondido Resort in Sayulita Mexico in her honor. However, things were about to take a very dark turn. 

In other pool news, Becky (who had not been playing close attention at this point) just yells “I think he’s got a woody!” And sho nuf....

Apparently the side of Victoria’s cheek is unacceptable but not Peter’s junk

Of course super shy and meek Victoria F wins the competition - and is supposed to be on the cover of the magazine. However, spoiler alert - this is this month’s cover of Cosmo:

Yup, Cosmo found out about Victoria F’s questionable modelling in the past and pulled it. Honestly, good for you Cosmo (not words I ever thought I would be writing!)

In the evening portion of the date, many annoying things happen. First, Victoria talks about turning 26 and how it’s “depressing” and every single girl over that age (including yours truly) vomited in their mouth a little. 

Next Tammy - who at this point has clearly realized she doesn’t have a very strong connection with Peter at all - decides to go full scorched earth. This downfall was so swift, I never saw it coming. An all-time fall from grace. Tammy tells Peter that Kelsey had a mental breakdown and that she has been drinking excessively. Overall this is a really bad look. It never works to talk badly about another girl, especially one that Peter likes more than you. Also its rude to insinuate someone is an alcoholic. 

Peter naturally confronts Kelsey, and in doing so utters this classic line: “This is the second example, first with Alayah and red flags, and now a possible red flag with Kelsey, and this is really difficult I guess to kinda gauge what’s too much a red flag and what’s not for me”. Have you ever heard something more perfectly describe Peter’s apparent head space? I mean Peter, sweetie, that is literally how making decisions - in dating and in life - works. What a clown.

Kelsey defends herself and lets Peter know she is going to be ok, and then goes back to confront the other girls. Tammy doesn’t speak up to say she was the one who threw her under the bus. But then the conversation just devolves. Hannah Ann was all of America in this moment:

Please Lord Jesus, not again

They get on Kelsey for crying, she claims she’s the only one being vulnerable, Tammy accuses her of “drinking herself to death”, it’s all very ugly. 

Eventually it ends when Peter comes in to give Hannah Ann the group date rose. 

Kelley’s 1-on-1: Peter goes on the attack, Kelley claps back

After all the drama, Kelley shows up with a refreshingly normal take. Peter however is on a mission. He thinks their relationship has stalled and he needs to see a lot of commitment from her today.

They head to some sort of Yurt-like structure where they take part in some sort of spiritual ritual that I’m sure was culturally insensitive but oh well. The pendulum says they are not in the stage of life, and the candles say that Peter is giving more and Kelley is repressed. I’m sure that’s exactly how it went down naturally and the producers didn’t give the shaman any ideas

In the evening Peter goes fully on the attack. He tells her that they started on a high but that they have been in a lull. He now needs to know that her heart is in it, and that she’s not just here to have fun and wants to settle down. To her credit, Kelley doesn’t back down. She rightfully points out that she is quite a bit older than the other girls, and that she’s been questioning if PETER is ready for a wife because he just rewards the drama all the time. GET IT GIRL. SAY what we’ve all been thinking. 

Eventually, Peter seems to be assuaged that Kelley likes him. TBH if I were Kelley I wouldn’t really be sure about Peter, but she gets the rose and stays another day. 

I think it was around this point that Becky B said: ““He’s an idiot. He’s starting to gross me out. I’m starting to figure out why Hannah didn’t pick him”. And honestly, I’m with ya there mom. 

Meanwhile, back at the resort again…

Kelsey goes to talk calmly with Tammy. Tammy starts up with the worst line ever - she admits she did talk to Peter about Kelsey, but really it was about her because she’s so distracted “caring for others” she can’t focus on her relationship and really she’s just “concerned for Kelsey”. All horseshit. At this point Tammy is my least favorite person on the show. And so mean. And I don’t even like Kelsey! 

The next day Kelsey goes over to Peter’s room to chat and set the record straight (while we get voiceover of Tammy saying really mean things about her). Kelsey starts out ok, and then she cries and tells Peter that Tammy is telling everyone she has a drinking problem and is popping pills. Peter remains on Kelsey’s side, mostly because she seems to affirm him and that’s the only thing he wants.

In another bone-headed move though, Peter decides to give Kelsey an early rose He then tells her not to worry about what the other girls say. Umm, Peter? Sweetie? Maybe if you don’t want the other girls to be mean to a girl, you shouldn’t do unnecessary things that will make them mad at her. Just a thought. 

Kelsey comes back and all the girls are sitting around, dressed for the cocktail party. She tries to smooth it over, but of course the ladies are not having it. By the time they get to the party location the tension is high. And who walks up? Not Peter, but CH himself. He tells them, with very precisely chosen words that earlier in the day, Peter got the clarity he needs, and there was no point dragging it out. 

The ladies are naturally shell shocked. Mykenna even takes her facial (and tongue) expressions to a whole new level

And then the tension boils over. Tammy asks Kelsey if she said anything about her and it blows off. Tammy tries to deny starting the pill popping rumor, but multiple women step in and confirm that she was spreading it. Which prompts Kelsey’s truly epic line: “I take Adderall and birth control”. 

All the other ladies are rightfully pissed that their time is being taken away, but some of them handle it better than others. Sydney goes full revisionist history and claims that she never spends her time talking about the other girls. Um excuse me? You may not have said Alayah’s name but you were the first one to bring up the other girls in the first place. Sydney also goes full aggressive yelling. Definitely more of a bullier than a bullied. 

Honestly this whole fight was so childish and I was tired watching it again. 

Finally the rose ceremony

By the time the rose ceremony rolls around Mykenna is a full on bucket of tears. She was going to tell him something really big. But it’s Tammy that halts the rose ceremony to talk to him. After she makes her case, Mykenna decides to go take a turn as well and just cry. All the other girls are pissed that they didn’t get time. Honestly I was so done by the end of this. I hate most of these girls. They are the worst. I don’t even have jokes. Just deep sorrow and resentment. 

Shiann and Lexi go home. Honestly at this point I think they are the real winners. Maybe they’ll find love in paradise. Shiann does pull a Katie from Colton’s season at the end and “warn” Peter on the way out. TBH i’m with her. These ladies are the worst. 

We are about two episodes ahead at this point- and I promise I’ll have that content for you soon! 

Until next time Bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor

-Audrey