Peter - Episode 3 — Bachelor Betch

Howdy Bachelor Nation!

This week was a doozy. There were several revelations this week. We found out Peter is actually a big western guy, learned some fantastic new words and how to pronounce them, and heard Alayah’s real voice for the first time. Lets not waste time with intros though…

Victoria P’s 1-on-1: The birth of Honky Tonk Pete

We start this week where we left off - deep in the drama of Champagne gate. Except at this point it feels like the bottle was left half drunk and open on a windowsill overnight and now it’s all flat and there may be bugs floating in it. Aka no longer fresh.

But while Kelsey and Hannah both pretend to cry by the pool, Victoria is going on a 1-on-1.

They head to a country store to get gussied up in cowboy boots and leather, because apparently in addition to his suave moves we saw last week, Peter and his “friends” “love to line dance”. After picking out their outfits they head to a bar called The Canyon where Peter and his “friends” supposedly go all the time. Friends, I did some research (of course I did). This bar does do country line dancing every Wednesday night….for COLLEGE NIGHT. Yup, now I actually believe Peter and his friends went there, especially considering how many 23 year olds are on this season.

I have to say - the people in the background of this date really went all out. I could almost believe they weren’t planted there by production. I mean look at this girl’s bandanna shirt

In the evening portion of the date, they head to the Bachelor’s favorite airplane hangar. Lest you think this was a Pilot Pete-specific location, this is almost as popular a Bachelor location as Big Daddy's Antiques. See below from a screenshot from my recap from Colton - Episode 7. Yes this is where Hannah B was sent home and where Jojo sent Luke home:

During “dinner”, Victoria opens up about her very sad upbringing - her dad died when she was very young and her mom fell into addiction. Peter doesn’t really know what to say (how could you?!?) but just sits there with this face on the whole time:

Peter actually seems to genuinely like Victoria P - so file this away as his “I actually care” face (as opposed to the “pretending to care and then going to make out with you” face). I think she seems nice. She gets the rose and they make out in the cockpit of one of the little planes.

Meanwhile back at the mansion…

...we are still talking about an old bottle of Dom. Someone convinces Kelsey and Hannah to sit down and hash it out. I’ll paraphrase the conversation:

Kelsey: “Bully is a serious word. I won’t tolerate it and I didn’t bully you”
Hannah: “This has been a FINASCO [actual word used], I’m not a champagne stealer and you called me a bitch”
Kelsey: “I don’t even like champagne”

End Scene. They both fake cry some more, while the rest of the girls (and all of America) just sit there like:

Group date: Sydney and Alayah go full Smackdown

Prior to the date, we get a bit of a preview of Alayah (who has barely been on the scene) hanging around the house being mildly annoying, while Sydney voices over how much she dislikes her. I mean, Alayah does say “F**k ya! Girl I get nasty!” which is a phrase that should never come out of your mouth, so I kind of get why they’re annoyed. Sure nuf, when the date card arrives, Sydney and Alayah are both on it to keep this antagonism going.

For the date, Demi (apparently one of Peter’s “good friends”) shows up along with two large women to verbally harass the women out of bed and try and extend her 15 minutes of fame.. I did some sleuthing and it appears they were actually woken up as a surprise, unlike when Amanda Stanton was surprise “woken up” by Ben with a full face of makeup on.

Turns out they will be competing in an extreme pillow fight. And for this they are given outfits - ranging from sexy bras and shorts to a full muumuu. And its here our next rocket scientist is revealed. Kiarra opens her package and informs us she will be wearing “Linger-y”, pronounced like the Cranberries song with an e on the end. I have questions. Now I get not knowing how to pronounce a word like gnocchi - but lingerie?!? I mean even if you didn’t know how it was spelled, Kelly LITERALLY said it out loud right before you.

To commentate this ridiculous sport, Fred Willard is once again trotted out. Now, I love Fred, but he’s a bit past his prime. He’s a bit like Lee Corso on College Gameday - a great talent who is now too old to be truly coherent, and gets really excited to see some people hit each other.

Now this game was a lawless place. There didn’t appear to be any real rules or metrics by which to “win”. Tammy, by far the best one based on her wrestling background, is somehow disqualified under shady pretenses (#justiceforTammy). Alayah and Sydney fight each other in the first round (because of course they do) and then somehow meet up again in the finals - because you know the producers aren’t going to miss another opportunity for drama.

Alayah wins, is crowned “Queen of the Bedroom”, and gives Peter a big smooch in front of everyone to really rub salt in Sydney’s wound. But it’s in the evening where things really get spicy. Sydney has clearly made it her mission to Take. Alayah. Down.

Alayah comes back from her time with Peter, and after an awkward silence Sydney just leads in with “Do you like, work at all?” Which is just a fantastic question to jump in with. (Alayah informs us she has 3 jobs - apparently all of which were ok with her taking an unspecified time off). Sydney then proceeds to fully Regina George her for the next few minutes:

She leads the witness, asking Alayah about her pageant training and “knowing the right things to say” Alayah talks about how “she’s always been a titleholder” and rambles on and on about how people always call her out for being on all the time because of her pageant training.. About simultaneously, Sydney seems to feel like she had enough ammo, and Alayah wises up to the fact that she’s being led into a trap

Sydney sits down with Peter and pulls the classic “I feel so different than the girls you have stronger connections with” move. And elaborates that she thinks there are girls putting on a facade. She doesn’t name names, but Peter is already FREAKING OUT.

Actual image of Peter after his chat with Sydney

You see, Peter lost Hannah to Jed - who was not there for the #rightreasons, and he really, really doesn’t want that to happen to him. Even when she’s not physically present, Hannah Brown still coming back to mess with poor Peter’s head. Hey Peter? Sweetie? Hannah was maybe the worst decision maker of all time - the mans brought a guitar to the proposal and had already confessed he was there for the wrong reasons, I don’t think you will miss the same glaring warning signs.

He comes back to the group of ladies and in his apparent panic, pulls one of the craziest moves I’ve ever seen. He calls out Sydney and asks her to name names...IN FRONT OF ALL THE OTHER GIRLS!! At this point my skeleton tried to leave my body and run away. I’m the least confrontational person of all time and this is my worst nightmare

Sydney clearly has bigger balls than most of us, because she calls out Alayah to her face. Alayah keeps a smile on her face, but her eyes are doing one of these:

She asks if anyone else feels the same, and of course no one speaks up because they are normal people and don’t want to face Alayah’s hell fury. They all saw what happened to Hannah Ann when Kelsey went off, and that was just about a bottle of champagne.

Alayah tries to smooth things over with Peter, which only confuses him more because apparently he just believes whatever someone pretty tells him, and now he doesn’t know who to believe.

In an apparent act of penance for putting her in the most awkward position of all time, Peter gives Sydney the group date rose. Probably an even crazier move in terms of stoking the drama, but I never said Peter understood women.

The worst pool party of all time

Chris Harrison shows up to inform the ladies that they Peter will be coming over for a POOL PARTAY! Expectation of a pool party:

Reality: Lots of tears, no fun in the sun, and most of the girls shivering while trying to look cute in their bikinis

Peter immediately launches into a fact finding mission to understand Alayah’s realness. While Alayah thinks this is just a Sydney thing and the rest of the house is on her side, we get shot of woman after woman telling Peter they think Alayah is fake. Now, I’m not on Sydney’s side. I never recommend talking about other girls on this show, and it was very unnecessary of her to say something to Peter. She also is hiding behind “I’m just being honest” which is a lame response for being catty. But also I’m a believer in where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And even if Alayah is there to find love, I don’t think anyone wants to be with a person the rest of the house hates.

Alayah talks to Peter, and is 100% convinced she has cleared everything up and she is going to get married. She tells us “I feel like I climbed a mountain, got knocked off, and was like ‘not today’ and now I’m back on top of the mountain.” First, I’m pretty sure that’s not how mountain climbing works Alayah. But also, don’t get too comfy on top of that mountain of yours, I feel a strong wind a-coming.

Peter continues his Alayah fact-finding tour with Victoria P. Turns out she was Miss Louisiana (because of course there’s ANOTHER pageant girl). She tells Peter she knew Alayah tangentially and that Alayah asked her to lie to the producers about knowing each other. When confronted again by Peter, Alayah starts crying and admits to this, but claims that she didn’t want the fact that they knew each other to disqualify either of them from being on the show. Now this is just a bad excuse. Did you watch last season? Half of the drama revolved around Hannah and Caelynn being in a pageant together. Also they aren’t stupid - they can figure out you were on Miss USA together. If anything, if she had said she didn’t want the producers to manufacture drama between them that would have been a better excuse.

After this, Peter is exhausted from his detective work and leaves the ladies sitting around in their bone dry bikinis. Not a single person touched the water. #Sad

Rose Ceremony

At this point all the ladies are spiralling. They are sick of the drama and are clearly nervous about being able to stay on the show. As the roses are doled out Mykenna looks like she’s about to have a coronary

With two roses left, Peter walks out dramatically to have a heart to heart with Chris Harrison. He’s not sure if he should let Alayah go because “he’s drawn to her” and “what if she’s his future wife” a.k.a she’s hot and they had one fine conversation and he is now doubting everything. Um, Peter? I’ve watched this show enough to know that if you actually liked her you wouldn’t have believed Sydney in the first place and subjected all of us to this Spanish Inquisition all episode.

Sure enough, Peter and Chris Harrison return, Chris grabs the second rose, and Alayah is sent home. Also going home are Alexa (who literally couldn’t have cared less about being there), Jasmine, and Sarah. Toodles!

Next week on….

Oh boy Bachelor nation, next week looks like a real winner! Alayah returns with her hell fire to seek revenge, and Victoria F shows up for her special concert - and it’s Chase Rice...WHO SHE DATED. I can’t believe it. I’m so pumped.

Texts from my mom

Becky was back this week, and she also wasn’t buying Alayah’s whole act

As always Bachelor Nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor,

Audrey

Hi.

Jan 26 Peter - Episode 3

Howdy Bachelor Nation!