Peter - Episode 2
Yo yo yo Bachelor Nation!!
Wow. The premiere episode brought the drama but I have to say Episode 2 really held its own. It’s clear even now that a lot of these women are truly batshit crazy, and I am HERE for it.
Before we get started with the recap though, I have to talk about Madison’s instagram activity. Last week, Madison’ got caught commenting on her own instagram - likely because she forgot to switch to her fan account that she runs herself. Take a look
I’m dying. Is there anything more totally in the Instagram age than someone running their own fan account? Or commenting on their own Instagram? She has a lot of excuses but I don’t believe a single one of them. It was completely a ploy to up her followers. I’m going to start telling myself “You are so genuine and real” in the mirror every morning to get myself pumped up for work. Can’t wait for them to cover this on Women Tell All, or After the Final Rose if she wins.
The end of the beast?
We start this episode where we left off last week: mid-Hannah and Peter sobfest. They continue their agonizing conversation, and Peter really lands some zingers, including: “You said no to me, I never said no to you” and “I just want someone to want me as bad as I want them”
Eventually, just as they are about to makeout, Peter says “I can’t do this, I have to go back to the girls”....and then it just ends? Kind of an unsatisfying ending to a gut-wrenching scene. The producers are really leaving us on an emotional cliff there. But I mean, this definitely looks like a guy over his ex and ready to get engaged to someone else in like 7 weeks right?
I’m completely over you! I’m definitely ready to move on!
Meanwhile, while Peter and Hannah have been having their little reunion, the other girls have been sitting there, writing out their awkward sex stories for ages. Peter comes out, covered in the glitter from Hannah’s dress like he just hit the strip club, and confronts the ladies. He tells them that he talked to Hannah and now he’s too messed up to continue with the date - but he’ll definitely be ready by the after party!
As you can imagine, the girls are not really having it. Most of them kind of play along, but Natasha isn’t afraid to say what they are all thinking: “She hasn’t gone away. Every day I’ve seen you, I’ve seen her, which sucks for us” Tell him, Natasha!
The ladies are clearly in a mood in the evening, and understandably so. Most of them pasted on a smile, but Natasha’s face said what they were all thinking:
I used all my vacation and maxxed out my credit card at Revolve for this?!?
While many of the ladies do confront the situation, some are able to move past it and have some nice conversations. Sydney gets the group date rose after opening up to him about growing up mixed race in the South.
Also, in case you were wondering, this is Peter’s dance move to pick up chicks:
Watch out ladies! You may not be able to resist!
Cocktail Party: Champagne-Gate kicks off
The cocktail party kicks off and pretty quickly they cut to Kelsey talking with the other girls about the special champagne situation she has planned for Peter. Clearly, based on the way the girls respond like a frickin’ cheer section, this is something she has been talking about AT LENGTH and planning for a whiiiile. Now, you might be thinking “wow I can’t imagine what elaborate plan with champagne could have taken this much planning!” Well, turns out all it was was that she had a bottle of champagne she had been saving for over a year and she wanted to open it with Peter. Not sure why this is so special, but Kelsey literally says “This bottle shows my heart and what I want?” I had questions.
What was so special about this bottle of champagne that she had been saving it for that long - did it have liquid gold in it? I get that Dom isn’t cheap, but come on.
How did she have that much willpower to not drink it for a whole year?
How exactly does it represent your heart and what you want (aka marriage and children)- do you want to get drunk? To spend too much money on luxury champagne? I mean #respect if so but I’m guessing that’s not what you meant.
Now Kelsey is raring to go, but before she can grab Peter Mykenna takes him to chat. This seemed like a very normal course of events, but when Mykenna comes back Kelsey FREAKS out. She starts confronting Mykenna about how unfair what she did was. Mykenna responds kindly and rationally, but Kelsey just starts yelling at her, calls her a snake, etc.
The other girls clearly want to melt into the sofa and leave their bodies behind. Here are some of my favorite reaction shots from this moment:
And best of all, Mykenna herself:
Maybe if I just blink enough this crazy person will go away
Oh but Kelsey was just getting started! Apparently (I’m sure at the producers suggestion) Hannah Ann was also planning to have champagne with Peter. While Kelsey continues to wait and talk to the girls for the 100th time about every detail of her champagne plan, an ominous pop and cheer is heard from across the patio. Kelsey looks around like :
The other ladies try to comfort her and stop the rage monster from going into full mega destruction mode by telling her it probably wasn’t hers, but the train is already of the tracks. She walks over, sees it was in fact her champagne and runs to the bathroom to fully melt down. Hannah Ann is understandably confused. She was just trying to have some nice bubbly with their communal boyfriend. Peter goes to talk to Kelsey, who is having none of it, while Tammy informs Hannah Ann about what’s going on. Eventually Kelsey comes and starts cursing at Hannah Ann in front of Peter. Usually not a good move to go full Hulk in front of the guy you’ve been on one date with, Kelsey, but I guess you do you.
Eventually Peter takes Kelsey to where the other champagne is set up. Kelsey knocks over the full thing, but Peter finally gets her calmed down. Until she tries to drink from the bottle and this happens:
This may be the best GIF of 2020 and it’s only January
I think this only renews the HellFury Kelsey has burning deep in her soul. Refusing to acknowledge that this could have been a misunderstanding (or completely orchestrated by producers) she yells at Hannah Ann, calls her fake, calculated and a bitch. Faced with an irrational ranting lunatic, Hannah Ann does what she can, acknowledges her feelings and walks away.
Now, I know the producers did Kelsey dirty. But this was such a ridiculous over-reaction. I wasn’t even a Hannah Ann fan after last week but in this I was completely on her side. Momma B had a lot of thoughts about Kelsey - here are some of her comments:
“Who is that girl? That girl has had some plastic surgery. That’s not a real nose. BLECH there’s too much fake in that face”. [Side note:Too mean? Probably. Accurate? 100%]
“She’s the epitome of women I can’t stand”
“Oh look at her sitting there having more makeup put on, as if she doesn’t have enough on already”
“You were never a classy bitch”
“Oh the girl with the fake nose is going to call someone else fake. ‘I’m real I have fake eyelashes, a fake nose, and implants in my lips’”
The rose ceremony finally rolls around, and of course Hannah Ann and Kelsey are standing next to each other and of course Kelsey gets the last rose.
Going home are (and I had to look up most of these names): Peyton, Courtney, and Lauren (who brought one of the fiercest fashion moments the first night with her jumpsuit). Maybe see you on Paradise? Jorge sent me an invite - hope you get one too!
Group date 1: The most meta date of all time
For the first group date of week 2, they head to a Revolve store - aka the Bachelor contestant Mothership. Props to ABC for just really leaning into the SponCon. They find out from celebrity guest judges Carson Kressley and Janice Dickinson, oh and Chief Brand Officer of Revolve Raissa Gerona that they will be competing in a Revolve fashion show (aka audition for sponsorship post-show). The girls scream much more for the first two, but lets be honest. They are all too young to remember OG Queer Eye or ANTM, and Raissa is the person that holds their future $$ in her hands, so they really should have shown her some more love.
As the girls start to put their outfits together, Victoria F starts to really spiral. She tells the camera she is shy and meek and doesn’t know how to stand out in a crowd, and starts full on bawling. This is a theme of the evening, for which I have opinions later on.
Peter is the first to walk the runway, wearing a look I could only compare to:
Could I BE wearing any more clothes
The girls then walk, in “Daytime looks”, which involve a surprising number of sequins, bras, and asses out, and “Nighttime looks” which also involve a lot of sequins, bras, and asses out. The two finalists are decided as Hannah Ann (a professional model) who wears a wedding dress, and Victoria F, who pulls Peter up on the runway and makes out with him, and also wears full lingerie. Reallll shy and unconfident.
In the final walk off, Hannah Ann struts her stuff, swings her dress, and wins the 40 bags full of Revolve clothing (as if she wouldn’t be getting free stuff after the show anyway). Victoria has a full on breakdown and says she wants to leave and go home. Now I have ZERO sympathy for Victoria for a number of reasons:
You were the runner up. It’s not like you were completely unnoticed and ignored. What a sore loser move
You were bold and really put yourself out there, so I’m not buying the “I’m so shy and meek routine”
She’s also a model! Or at least has modeled before. So a) don’t act like you can’t do this and b) lets just say her modelling gig wasn’t exactly the best look.
Yes Victoria pre-bachelor was featured in an ad for a company hoping to save White Marlins in Florida, and in order to do that, they sell “White Lives Matter” clothing, complete with confederate flags- see below:
Just a really terrible idea all around and is horrible for so many reasons I’m sure I don’t have to spell out here. So no, Victoria. I have zero sympathy for you and you are really pissing me off. Thank u, next.
In the evening portion of the date, Peter does his best to comfort the crying Victoria F, and does ok at it. Her meltdown was either a turn on for him or he just bought it and felt very bad for her, because she gets the group date rose.
Elsewhere in the evening portion of the date, Hannah Ann says she just wants to move forward and past the Kelsey situation, until it seems like Peter and Kelsey are getting along (or a producer suggests otherwise). Hannah Ann tells Peter all the things Kelsey said to her, and that she felt like she was being bullied. Now all the stuff Hannah Ann says that Kelsey said was 100% true, and really not ok that she said that. But do I think she was really “bullying” Hannah Ann or that Hannah Ann was up crying all night? Not at all.
But Peter clearly likes Hannah Ann more, so he decides to confront Kelsey about the situation. Kelsey naturally pulls the classic trope of “She’s a different person in the house and she turns it on for you” and “I take my character very seriously so this hurts that she would say that”. Peter leaves it at “I’m getting 2 different sides and I’m not sure who to believe”. And that’s where the episode ends!
Next week, it appears Champagne gate will continue, and maybe someone sleeps with him in the hotsprings? Can’t wait!
Until then Bachelor nation, may the odds (and roses) be ever in your favor!
